Squirrel Justice

Feeling Squirrelly

The squirrels are coming for me.

They’ve been plotting their revenge for months, ever since I ran over one of their friends with my vehicle. Upon seeing the incident on that fateful day, they immediately formed a pack (called a dray) and followed my car as I frantically drove home. They were apparently upset at my lack of regret over the incident. It’s impossible to get the image out of my head of a thousand angry squirrels in my rearview mirror. Continue reading “Squirrel Justice”

Animal Sounds

Night frights

The sound was so awkward and alarming that it had the ability to shake both my wife and me rather suddenly from our late-night slumbers. It was a shriek of pain and agony, mixed in with the sounds of betrayal and confusion. After it passed, we lay there, not sure how to react. When, seconds later, another wave of sounds emanated from the woods beyond our home, my wife urged me to get up and investigate. Continue reading “Animal Sounds”

Slam Dunked

Scaling no heights

As my right foot left the ground and I became fully airborne (if you could call it that), my life flashed before my eyes. The basketball was in my right hand. Braces covered both knees, one ankle, one wrist, and two elbows. The headband was for dramatic effect only.

The rim should be getting closer to me by now, I thought, as I reached the peak of my so-called “leap.” The ball skimmed the bottom of the net, and in full panic mode, I began bracing for an emergency landing. Something was going to hurt in a moment.

How in the hell did I wind up here, on this vacant basketball court, with impending doom to my body imminent? Let’s rewind a few months for a proper explanation. Continue reading “Slam Dunked”

The Temperature Wars

Temperature Wars
Warming Trends

It was the type of July morning that made an individual grateful for air conditioning in their car, which is every July morning in Maryland. Proceeding down the road, though, I felt something was amiss. Despite the air conditioning being on full blast, I was starting to sweat profusely in the back and waist area. The heat and the humidity, along with the tucked in shirt, was making my commute to work feel more like a trek in a South American jungle while wearing Gore-Tex. Continue reading “The Temperature Wars”

Parking Lot Karma

Parking Lot Karma
Hide and Go Seek: The Parking Lot Edition

I was in the middle of eating a gigantic karma sandwich, and I knew it. As I stood in the vast parking lot of cars, SUVs, and minivans, all sharing various shades of gray and black, I knew I was in trouble. Weeks of making fun of people who couldn’t find their own cars was coming back to haunt me – in a big way.
A few weeks ago, in my office building, I had stumbled upon a 4th floor perch that overlooked the parking lot below. What had caught my eye that afternoon was a briefcase-carrying man walking up and down the rows of the lot, with his arm raised, frantically clicking the “unlock” button on his car alarm. It was a desperate attempt at finding his vehicle. Continue reading “Parking Lot Karma”

Peach Picking: One Man’s Harrowing Rectal Exam Experience

Digital Expeditions

“Would you like a prostate exam?” asked my physician, as we were wrapping up my physical.

I asked her how many people say yes to that question.

“More than you’d think,” she responded.

That was a weird thing to say.

“I suppose I should,” I answered. Continue reading “Peach Picking: One Man’s Harrowing Rectal Exam Experience”

Size Kinda Matters: One Man’s Quest to Understand Large Hand Discrimination

IMG_9953 (1)
Size Matters

“Your biceps are enormous, Josh,” said a colleague the other day. “Have you been working out?”

“No,” I said. “You have small eyes, and I’m wearing my nine-year-old son’s shirt.”

He looked at me with pause, wondering if he should take me seriously. It got me thinking about size and the perception of it. Continue reading “Size Kinda Matters: One Man’s Quest to Understand Large Hand Discrimination”