Peach Picking: One Man’s Harrowing Rectal Exam Experience

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Digital Expeditions

“Would you like a prostate exam?” asked my physician, as we were wrapping up my physical.

I asked her how many people say yes to that question.

“More than you’d think,” she responded.

That was a weird thing to say.

“I suppose I should,” I answered. Continue reading “Peach Picking: One Man’s Harrowing Rectal Exam Experience”

Size Kinda Matters: One Man’s Quest to Understand Large Hand Discrimination

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Size Matters

“Your biceps are enormous, Josh,” said a colleague the other day. “Have you been working out?”

“No,” I said. “You have small eyes, and I’m wearing my nine-year-old son’s shirt.”

He looked at me with pause, wondering if he should take me seriously. It got me thinking about size and the perception of it. Continue reading “Size Kinda Matters: One Man’s Quest to Understand Large Hand Discrimination”

The Personal Complainer

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Are we done yet?

“Why is it called a medicine ball?” I asked my personal trainer, as he was hurling one in my general direction.

“I’m not sure,” he responded disinterestedly.

“Medicine is supposed to make a person feel better. This isn’t.”

He laughed, but in that appeasing way that made me feel small, both in body and in mind. Continue reading “The Personal Complainer”

The Girl Scout Bullies

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Pushing Product

“Wanna buy some Girl Scout cookies?” asked the intimidating 8 year old girl, as I approached the grocery store entrance.

“No, thanks,” I responded.

“Come on,” she persisted. “It’s freezing out here. Buy some thin mints.”

“I really can’t. I don’t care for thin mints,” I said.

“Who doesn’t like thin mints? An idiot, that’s who.”

“What did you say to me?” I said, shocked at her accusation.

“Have a nice day.”

“No, you called me an idiot.”

“What? No way!” she responded. “I’m just a little girl. Mom, this guy thinks I called him an idiot.”

The mom narrowed her eyes at me, so I hurried into the store as fast as I could, relieved she didn’t follow. Continue reading “The Girl Scout Bullies”

Diminishing the Jean Pool

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Denim Confinement

“Hi, I’m looking for loose fitting jeans,” I mentioned to the store employee at The Gap. “Where are those located?”

“1996,” he responded.

I could appreciate the sarcasm in his voice but not the fact that he was also telling the truth.

It’s been several years since I’ve been able to walk into a mall store, find a pair of comfortably fitting jeans (the kind that don’t cut off blood flow to the lower legs), pay an exorbitant price (okay, that part can still happen), and leave feeling satisfied. Continue reading “Diminishing the Jean Pool”

A Useless Tool of a Man

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Hammer time?  Unlikely

I don’t like using tools. I don’t really know the difference between a socket wrench and a monkey wrench. When I’m forced to use a screwdriver, I have to repeatedly tell myself, “Righty tighty, lefty loosey.” I don’t own a stud finder or a level, my hammer is as old as I am, and I have no idea why they are called Allen wrenches.

More to the point, I find Home Depot to be a very unsettling place. Every time I have to ask a question of one of those employees, clad in their Oompa Loompa aprons, I know they are looking at me with utter disdain as I attempt to explain my dilemma using charades. Words don’t suffice, because I am incapable of using appropriate terminology that they would understand. Therefore, they inevitably recommend a 3/4” something-or-other and send me on my way. Before I get into the checkout line, I swing by the battery and lightbulb aisles, because I at least know what I need there and that feeling empowers me. Continue reading “A Useless Tool of a Man”