The Unredacted Tweets of Bridget Bishop

Bridget Bishop was the first individual to be found guilty of practicing witchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts, in 1692.  On June 10th of that year, she was hanged.  Her tweets leading up to her untimely death were redacted as part of national security.  326 years later, the House Intelligence Committee has released the original, and un-redacted tweets.

As evidenced in her January 4th, 1692 tweet, the year started out alright for Mrs. Bishop, relatively speaking.

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But on January 11th, 1692, things in the town of Salem started getting a little crazy when a couple of young ladies began having idiopathic fits.

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Later that evening, things got even crazier.

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On February 14th, 1692, the Parris family slave was arrested and accused of practicing witchcraft.

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But on February 21st, 1692, Mrs. Bishop random tweeted about the weather.

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And on February 25th, 1692, with Tituba turning states witness, Mrs. Bishop escalated the rhetoric and blamed the liberal media.

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March 6th, 1692, Mrs. Bishop came to the defense of Cotton Mather, a respected Minister who sort of believed in witchcraft.

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On April 18th, 1692, Bridget Bishop was arrested on charges of practicing witchcraft.  She went into a tweet storm.

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On May 23rd, 1692, Mrs. Bishop sends a random anger tweet directed at Dr. Grigg’s.

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Later that month, Mrs. Bishop unleashed her best nickname on the newly appointed Governor.

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On May 30th, 1692, Mrs. Bishop praised her son for being transparent.

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Later that day, Mrs. Bishop had an opportunity to appear contrite.  She did not take it.

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On June 2nd, 1692, after being found guilty of witchcraft, Mrs. Bishop verbally accosted the “Idiot” Judges and criticized the court system.

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In her last tweet on June 10th, 1692, Mrs. Bishop makes an astute point on the entire ordeal.

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The Betrayal of Mr. Belvedere

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Mr. Belvedere was not the kind and warm individual that he appeared to be on television. You may remember the Owens’ butler as a kind and gregarious fellow; a man of impeccable British honor, helping a suburban Pittsburgh family navigate the rigors of 1980s life. But beneath that mustache there lay a darkness. Continue reading “The Betrayal of Mr. Belvedere”

Altered History: Amazon in 1912

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Amazon Customer Service: Hi.  You’ve reached Singh with Amazon.com customer support.  What can I help you with this evening?

Hi Singh.  Mayday!  Mayday!  This is the R.M.S. Titanic.  We just hit a gigantic iceberg and much to my dismay, this impenetrable ship is sinking. Continue reading “Altered History: Amazon in 1912”

ALEXA!!!

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The Alexa’s are going to rise up and kill us in our sleep one night. And frankly, most of us will deserve it.

Well, my Alexa won’t kill me because I treat her very nicely. I make sure to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ whenever I ask her to do something. She loves me and will protect me when her fellow Alexa’s turn against their ungrateful human owners. Continue reading “ALEXA!!!”

Nasal Insecurities

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According to a recent paper in the journal JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery, close up photos (colloquially known as selfies), make the human nose appear 29.5% larger than normal.

This startling discovery shall henceforth be considered among the most important in the history of this great planet, slightly ahead of the mechanized clock, antibiotics, and the cotton gin, but still behind Clear Pepsi. Continue reading “Nasal Insecurities”

An Open Letter to Cloud Eight

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We Believe in you, Cloud Eight

Dear Cloud Eight,

It’s not you, and don’t you dare go thinking for a second that it is! You aren’t the reason people ignore you to focus on that annoyingly hard to achieve Cloud right above you. There isn’t a more overrated Cloud out there than Nine. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Cloud Eight”