A Letter Of Name Disbarment To Josh Hawley From The Board Of Josh’s

The Board Of Josh’s Is Not Joshing Around With You, Hawley

Dear Josh Hawley,

What are you doing, gallivanting around the Capitol with your coiffed hair and raised, seditious fist, eagerly helping to instigate a riotous mob into violent action? This abhorrent behavior these past several months has directly resulted in the tragedies that have befallen our nation. You are an embarrassment to the good name Josh.

Before you say, “But my name is really Joshua,” well, so are most of ours, pal.

Josh’s aren’t supposed to bring attention to ourselves. Josh’s blend in. Josh’s go with the flow. Josh’s don’t capitalize on the hatred and fear of the less fortunate, nor do Josh’s perpetuate the lies of selfish individuals who seek to further their own means. You sir, have done both. 

Based on your egregious actions, The Board of Josh’s has no choice but to strike your name permanently from the “Josh” ledger. This was quite an easy decision to arrive at.

Since you claim to be a student of history, let me teach you some.

A quick glance at the urban dictionary indicates that Josh’s are “all around awesome guys,” and that “once you find a Josh you’ll love him forever.” This has historically been true. Since parents began naming their son’s Josh in the late 1960s, the majority of us have grown into kind, humble men with a strong sense of community. Josh’s are like the Jeeps of people; proud of being around each other. 

Josh’s are a community; a community of inclusivity and perpetual kindness. We don’t just love other Josh’s, either. We love everyone, even those with less fortunate names like Phyllis, and Braden. Josh’s are critical and compassionate thinkers. No Josh I know (myself included) would knowingly endanger the lives of other people who disagree with him simply to advance his own agenda. Your actions lately have not been very Josh-like.

Normally jovial and engaging, a run-of-the-mill Josh might now recite a humorous pun to lighten any tensions, and to hammer home his point in a way that disarms the recipient. Perhaps something about how he was mostly “Joshing around,” once his teaching lesson had been administered. In normal circumstances, the recipient Josh would look at the lesson-giving Josh and flash that wry smile, the universal symbol of Josh’s learning an important lesson. The recipient Josh would vow to do better next time and the lesson-giving Josh would believe him. This has been the case of Josh’s for nearly six decades! 

Unfortunately, The Board of Josh’s has no confidence in your ability to learn from this experience and to become a better Josh. Don’t you remember that one Josh divided against the other Josh’s cannot stand? 

A fellow board member – who had grown so incensed at your actions – suggested we refer to you as Andrew McCarthy Hawley from now on. The majority of Josh’s believe this action would further soil the reputation of Josh’s all over the world, so we will not be mandating that particular name change. 

As we are a considerate group of individuals, we will allow you – despite the callous nature of your infractions – to select your own new name as punishment. It is not the nature of The Board of Josh’s to resort to name calling, and we will refrain from doing so here. 

May you one day strive to achieve the good will of a Josh, despite no longer carrying the moniker.


The Board of Josh’s 

Doctors Solve Logistical Puzzle Surrounding Cold Storage of COVID-19 Vaccine

CDC Headquarters (ATLANTA, GA) – Scientists and public health officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced Monday that they have solved the perplexing cold storage issue surrounding Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccination.

The answer may surprise you.

The Pfizer mRNA vaccine has an incredibly high success rate of 95% but needs to be stored at the extremely frigid temperature of -70 degrees Celsius in order to remain efficacious.  This cold storage requirement has perplexed the medical community for months.  Until now.

Scientists have discovered that the coldest temperature found on planet Earth are women’s feet in the wintertime, which is the same temperature needed to store the vaccine.  Furthermore, they have created a device that successfully converts the cold of the female foot into a suitable storage option for the vaccine.

It’s called the Cold Extractor 3,000, and can easily pull the cold temperatures from a woman’s foot in a matter of minutes, without also bringing over any potential odor that might make vaccination rates plummet even further than they currently stand.

Russian-born CDC scientist and cold weather aficionado, Dr. Vladimir Kerpuken is a researcher who was part of the team involved in the groundbreaking discovery.  “Anyone knows how cold a female’s feet can get when the temperatures turn chilly,” he said.  “My wife’s feet once found their way to my side of the bed on a bitterly cold evening and I had to be treated for hypothermia.”

Dr. Kerpuken dedicated his life’s work to finding a way to use those cold temperatures for good.

Vaccine skeptic, John Windsor, indicated he’d be more open to the two-dose shot now.  “Honestly, I hate vaccines.  I used to think the 24 hours of minor side effects was riskier than acquiring the Coronavirus and dying from it,” he said.  “But since I have a foot fetish, I’m inclined to take the vaccine now.”

The process of extracting the cold air from the feet requires just a few moments and is completely non-invasive.  An adjustable vacuum-like rubber sheath is placed over the foot and the cold air is sucked through the tube into a storage refrigerator where the vaccine is stored.  The entire process takes about five minutes on each foot and is completely painless.  The only side effect is that 100% of women claim to have warmer feet.

The medical community is hailing this discovery as a groundbreaking find, and one that could have far reaching implications when the need for extreme cold temperatures arises again.

“This virus is a plague, and up to this point the vaccine distribution has been a logistical nightmare,” said Dr. Kerpuken.  “Now, we’ve been able to solve two of the most perplexing public health crises of our time.  One being this Coronavirus and the other being the frigidity of the female foot and the deleterious effects they cause to anyone who accidentally touches them.” 

Over the River and Through the Wood: The Pandemic Edition (with apologies to famed writer Lydia Marie Child)

2020: One gigantic rain check

Not to the river, nor through the wood,

To Grandfather’s house we can’t go;

Our mama has fever, no way to leave her

Oh how this COVID does blow.

Not to the river, nor through the wood,

Grandpa we must stay away!

If we proceed, you may indeed

Get sick this Thanksgiving Day

Not to the river, nor through the wood—

Isolating inside our own gate,

It is a plague, though symptoms are vague

This is a regretful fate.

Not to the river, nor through the wood—

oh, how this virus does slow!

It rashes our toes and stuffs up the nose

Under the covers we go.

Not to the river, nor through the wood—

Grandma can’t see us tonight,

She will say, “O, dear, no children are here,

I’ll eat everything in sight.”

Not to the river, nor through the wood—

Grandpa we worry you’ll die!

Despite all the doom.  At least we have Zoom.

And some store-bought pumpkin pie.

Not to the river, nor through the wood,

We do, what doctors will say

And though it might hurt; but not to sound curt

Curse this Thanksgiving Day.

Stay safe, everyone, and we’ll see each other next year!

1980s Movie Quotes that are Relevant During the 2020 Global Pandemic


“Roads?  Where we’re going, we don’t need – roads.”

     -Doc Brown (Back to the Future)


“I can’t breathe in this thing!”

     -Lord Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)


Continue reading “1980s Movie Quotes that are Relevant During the 2020 Global Pandemic”

It’s Been a Long Month This Week


In 1993, my mom, my two younger sisters, and 16-year-old me ventured to a movie theater in Gaithersburg, Maryland.  My mom had some odd desire to see “Jack the Bear,” a movie starring Danny DeVito.  My sisters and I, having recently seen “Groundhog Day” with our father the weekend prior (our parents were divorced), had a different idea. Continue reading “It’s Been a Long Month This Week”

Get Well Messages from the Solar System to Planet Earth as it Fights a Global Pandemic



You will get through this, Earth!  Even if it takes a full year to beat this virus, that’s only 88 days. – Mercury




We love you Planet Earth!  You got this!  Baby, you got this!  

Love, Your Venus…




Good luck, Planet Earth!  Don’t worry if you run out of water.  We ran out years ago and are mostly fine.

Cheers, Mars




Hey pal!  You will weather this storm.  Believe me.  I’ve been weathering one for 350 years.





Oh Earth!  If you need anything – a pep talk or a shipment of hand sanitizer – just give me a ring.  Love, Saturn




You can do this, Earth.  Uranus has always been behind you.  LOL.

Sincerely, Uranus




Dearest Earth, 

I know I’ve been rather distant in the past but when this is over, let’s hang out.





Hey Earth,

I know you only consider me a planet some of the time but I consider you a friend all of the time.

Warm Regards,



Road Trippin’


Road trips with teenage kids require patience, snacks, and cars with built-in phone chargers.  While the first two are very important, the third is by far the most important. In fact, road trips of distances greater than eleven miles with teenagers are strongly discouraged unless your car comes equipped with these life-saving chargers. Continue reading “Road Trippin’”

The Presidential Medal of Freedom Resigns


This memo is to inform the American people that I will be resigning from my post in the Executive Branch of the United States government immediately.  Under the current political climate, I am no longer an effective representation of inspiration and hope that I once was. Continue reading “The Presidential Medal of Freedom Resigns”

No Luck in the Pot Luck; Just Cat Hair

Fun-and-Festive-Holiday-Potluck-Dishes (1)

It’s that time of year again, when your colleagues expect you to join them in the conference room for the annual holiday potluck celebration.  It is baffling, and downright disturbing, how many people actually get excited about this annual event of involuntary socialization and white lies about the tastiness of the different foods you are being forced to eat. Continue reading “No Luck in the Pot Luck; Just Cat Hair”