Category: Sarcasm

Doctors Solve Logistical Puzzle Surrounding Cold Storage of COVID-19 Vaccine

CDC Headquarters (ATLANTA, GA) – Scientists and public health officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced Monday that they have solved the perplexing cold storage issue surrounding Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccination.

The answer may surprise you.

The Pfizer mRNA vaccine has an incredibly high success rate of 95% but needs to be stored at the extremely frigid temperature of -70 degrees Celsius in order to remain efficacious.  This cold storage requirement has perplexed the medical community for months.  Until now.

Scientists have discovered that the coldest temperature found on planet Earth are women’s feet in the wintertime, which is the same temperature needed to store the vaccine.  Furthermore, they have created a device that successfully converts the cold of the female foot into a suitable storage option for the vaccine.

It’s called the Cold Extractor 3,000, and can easily pull the cold temperatures from a woman’s foot in a matter of minutes, without also bringing over any potential odor that might make vaccination rates plummet even further than they currently stand.

Russian-born CDC scientist and cold weather aficionado, Dr. Vladimir Kerpuken is a researcher who was part of the team involved in the groundbreaking discovery.  “Anyone knows how cold a female’s feet can get when the temperatures turn chilly,” he said.  “My wife’s feet once found their way to my side of the bed on a bitterly cold evening and I had to be treated for hypothermia.”

Dr. Kerpuken dedicated his life’s work to finding a way to use those cold temperatures for good.

Vaccine skeptic, John Windsor, indicated he’d be more open to the two-dose shot now.  “Honestly, I hate vaccines.  I used to think the 24 hours of minor side effects was riskier than acquiring the Coronavirus and dying from it,” he said.  “But since I have a foot fetish, I’m inclined to take the vaccine now.”

The process of extracting the cold air from the feet requires just a few moments and is completely non-invasive.  An adjustable vacuum-like rubber sheath is placed over the foot and the cold air is sucked through the tube into a storage refrigerator where the vaccine is stored.  The entire process takes about five minutes on each foot and is completely painless.  The only side effect is that 100% of women claim to have warmer feet.

The medical community is hailing this discovery as a groundbreaking find, and one that could have far reaching implications when the need for extreme cold temperatures arises again.

“This virus is a plague, and up to this point the vaccine distribution has been a logistical nightmare,” said Dr. Kerpuken.  “Now, we’ve been able to solve two of the most perplexing public health crises of our time.  One being this Coronavirus and the other being the frigidity of the female foot and the deleterious effects they cause to anyone who accidentally touches them.” 

Over the River and Through the Wood: The Pandemic Edition (with apologies to famed writer Lydia Marie Child)

2020: One gigantic rain check

Not to the river, nor through the wood,

To Grandfather’s house we can’t go;

Our mama has fever, no way to leave her

Oh how this COVID does blow.

Not to the river, nor through the wood,

Grandpa we must stay away!

If we proceed, you may indeed

Get sick this Thanksgiving Day

Not to the river, nor through the wood—

Isolating inside our own gate,

It is a plague, though symptoms are vague

This is a regretful fate.

Not to the river, nor through the wood—

oh, how this virus does slow!

It rashes our toes and stuffs up the nose

Under the covers we go.

Not to the river, nor through the wood—

Grandma can’t see us tonight,

She will say, “O, dear, no children are here,

I’ll eat everything in sight.”

Not to the river, nor through the wood—

Grandpa we worry you’ll die!

Despite all the doom.  At least we have Zoom.

And some store-bought pumpkin pie.

Not to the river, nor through the wood,

We do, what doctors will say

And though it might hurt; but not to sound curt

Curse this Thanksgiving Day.

Stay safe, everyone, and we’ll see each other next year!

1980s Movie Quotes that are Relevant During the 2020 Global Pandemic

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“Roads?  Where we’re going, we don’t need – roads.”

     -Doc Brown (Back to the Future)

 

“I can’t breathe in this thing!”

     -Lord Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

 

Continue reading “1980s Movie Quotes that are Relevant During the 2020 Global Pandemic”

Road Trippin’

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Road trips with teenage kids require patience, snacks, and cars with built-in phone chargers.  While the first two are very important, the third is by far the most important. In fact, road trips of distances greater than eleven miles with teenagers are strongly discouraged unless your car comes equipped with these life-saving chargers. Continue reading “Road Trippin’”

The Presidential Medal of Freedom Resigns

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This memo is to inform the American people that I will be resigning from my post in the Executive Branch of the United States government immediately.  Under the current political climate, I am no longer an effective representation of inspiration and hope that I once was. Continue reading “The Presidential Medal of Freedom Resigns”

No Luck in the Pot Luck; Just Cat Hair

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It’s that time of year again, when your colleagues expect you to join them in the conference room for the annual holiday potluck celebration.  It is baffling, and downright disturbing, how many people actually get excited about this annual event of involuntary socialization and white lies about the tastiness of the different foods you are being forced to eat. Continue reading “No Luck in the Pot Luck; Just Cat Hair”

Mind Over Matter?

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The Best Use of Running Shoes

Well we know where we’re going

But we don’t know where we’ve been

And we know what we’re knowing

But we can’t say what we’ve seen

-The Talking Heads

One of my in shape friends once told me that running a marathon can be done by anyone because it’s just “mind over matter.”  When I finally stopped laughing eleven days later, I dismissed his claim as being an outright fabrication and a complete misinterpretation of the phrase.  I have it on good authority that the creator of the saying was not applying it to physical activity of any kind, especially running. What he meant by “mind over matter,” was eating a seventh Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie when he should’ve stopped at six. 

Look, I’ve got nothing against running at all.  I don’t even have anything against runners, though I do find some of them to be quite scurrilous.  My wife is a non-scurrilous runner, as is my daughter. I have good friends who are non-scurrilous runners.  I share sidewalks with runners all the time as I walk – not run – and sometimes I even get out of their way as they barrel towards me, elbows flailing and mucous projectiles flying out of their mouths.  For the most part these runners aren’t being rude when they run by. It’s just that running can make people seem disingenuous and unnecessarily aggressive. I think it has to do with a combination of dangerously elevated heart rates and forward momentum. 

There is one runner in my neighborhood, an audacious little fellow, who refuses to share any publicly owned space.  He thinks that all paved areas the County ever constructed are his and his alone, and that he can do with them as he pleases.  I don’t get out of the way of that guy. In fact, I’m always up for a game of chicken when Captain Bonaparte comes running towards me.  Inevitably he cowers in fear as I stick out my chest and give him the respect-your-elders stare, even though I think he’s older than me.  

In my opinion, there seems to be no incentive to running a marathon besides being able to say that you ran a marathon.  That simply isn’t motivation enough for me to trek 26.2 miles.   

“But, once you get the runner’s high, you’ll feel like you can run forever,” said my over-exuberant running friend.  

“Yeah,” I responded.  “And when does that occur?”

“For me it’s around mile twelve.”

I shook my head in disbelief.  If I’m complaining about running through the equivalent of two small cities, does this guy really think running through the equivalent of one small city, simply to obtain some mythical runners high, is suddenly going to pique my interest?  Spoiler alert: It’s not.

This same well-meaning individual tried to entice me to run by saying that there is sometimes beer at the end of these runs.  Sometimes? I laughed. “There is always beer in my fridge,” I said, unimpressed, “and I don’t have to run a bazillion miles to get it.”

When I was 17 years old or so, with functional knees and a not-yet-completely-developed-brain, the idea of running a marathon was intriguing.  I could get out and commune with nature while also putting in some sweat equity, I thought.  It would be magnificent!  Yes, I said to myself.  I will become a marathon runner!  And if marathon’s were only 0.3 miles long, I would’ve become a marathon runner.

A decade or so ago, as I stood firmly in my early 30’s, I actually was a runner, and while I never got close to a marathon, it was oftentimes rewarding to have lived through the experience of running.

Now, I don’t even like driving 26.2 miles.  My friend was right though, running a marathon really is mind over matter and since I don’t mind never running one, it doesn’t matter.  I will eat that seventh Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie though.

Fired for Yawning?

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Sometimes I can’t sleep.  It’s not as heinous as it sounds.  Lying awake in the dead of night is a perfect time to create drama out of the mundane events of the previous day.  Was I successfully able to hide my indifference at work, and if not, what can I do to be better at that in the future?  Did I actually put premium gas into my car this morning as the dealer suggested, and if not, what will regular gas do to my engine?  Are bed bugs nocturnal, and if so, could the threat they cause to the public’s health be negated if everyone just slept during the day?  Why am I itching so much? Continue reading “Fired for Yawning?”