Dear Josh Hawley,
What are you doing, gallivanting around the Capitol with your coiffed hair and raised, seditious fist, eagerly helping to instigate a riotous mob into violent action? This abhorrent behavior these past several months has directly resulted in the tragedies that have befallen our nation. You are an embarrassment to the good name Josh.
Before you say, “But my name is really Joshua,” well, so are most of ours, pal.
Josh’s aren’t supposed to bring attention to ourselves. Josh’s blend in. Josh’s go with the flow. Josh’s don’t capitalize on the hatred and fear of the less fortunate, nor do Josh’s perpetuate the lies of selfish individuals who seek to further their own means. You sir, have done both.
Based on your egregious actions, The Board of Josh’s has no choice but to strike your name permanently from the “Josh” ledger. This was quite an easy decision to arrive at.
Since you claim to be a student of history, let me teach you some.
A quick glance at the urban dictionary indicates that Josh’s are “all around awesome guys,” and that “once you find a Josh you’ll love him forever.” This has historically been true. Since parents began naming their son’s Josh in the late 1960s, the majority of us have grown into kind, humble men with a strong sense of community. Josh’s are like the Jeeps of people; proud of being around each other.
Josh’s are a community; a community of inclusivity and perpetual kindness. We don’t just love other Josh’s, either. We love everyone, even those with less fortunate names like Phyllis, and Braden. Josh’s are critical and compassionate thinkers. No Josh I know (myself included) would knowingly endanger the lives of other people who disagree with him simply to advance his own agenda. Your actions lately have not been very Josh-like.
Normally jovial and engaging, a run-of-the-mill Josh might now recite a humorous pun to lighten any tensions, and to hammer home his point in a way that disarms the recipient. Perhaps something about how he was mostly “Joshing around,” once his teaching lesson had been administered. In normal circumstances, the recipient Josh would look at the lesson-giving Josh and flash that wry smile, the universal symbol of Josh’s learning an important lesson. The recipient Josh would vow to do better next time and the lesson-giving Josh would believe him. This has been the case of Josh’s for nearly six decades!
Unfortunately, The Board of Josh’s has no confidence in your ability to learn from this experience and to become a better Josh. Don’t you remember that one Josh divided against the other Josh’s cannot stand?
A fellow board member – who had grown so incensed at your actions – suggested we refer to you as Andrew McCarthy Hawley from now on. The majority of Josh’s believe this action would further soil the reputation of Josh’s all over the world, so we will not be mandating that particular name change.
As we are a considerate group of individuals, we will allow you – despite the callous nature of your infractions – to select your own new name as punishment. It is not the nature of The Board of Josh’s to resort to name calling, and we will refrain from doing so here.
May you one day strive to achieve the good will of a Josh, despite no longer carrying the moniker.
The Board of Josh’s