A Letter Of Name Disbarment To Josh Hawley From The Board Of Josh’s

The Board Of Josh’s Is Not Joshing Around With You, Hawley

Dear Josh Hawley,

What are you doing, gallivanting around the Capitol with your coiffed hair and raised, seditious fist, eagerly helping to instigate a riotous mob into violent action? This abhorrent behavior these past several months has directly resulted in the tragedies that have befallen our nation. You are an embarrassment to the good name Josh.

Before you say, “But my name is really Joshua,” well, so are most of ours, pal.

Josh’s aren’t supposed to bring attention to ourselves. Josh’s blend in. Josh’s go with the flow. Josh’s don’t capitalize on the hatred and fear of the less fortunate, nor do Josh’s perpetuate the lies of selfish individuals who seek to further their own means. You sir, have done both. 

Based on your egregious actions, The Board of Josh’s has no choice but to strike your name permanently from the “Josh” ledger. This was quite an easy decision to arrive at.

Since you claim to be a student of history, let me teach you some.

A quick glance at the urban dictionary indicates that Josh’s are “all around awesome guys,” and that “once you find a Josh you’ll love him forever.” This has historically been true. Since parents began naming their son’s Josh in the late 1960s, the majority of us have grown into kind, humble men with a strong sense of community. Josh’s are like the Jeeps of people; proud of being around each other. 

Josh’s are a community; a community of inclusivity and perpetual kindness. We don’t just love other Josh’s, either. We love everyone, even those with less fortunate names like Phyllis, and Braden. Josh’s are critical and compassionate thinkers. No Josh I know (myself included) would knowingly endanger the lives of other people who disagree with him simply to advance his own agenda. Your actions lately have not been very Josh-like.

Normally jovial and engaging, a run-of-the-mill Josh might now recite a humorous pun to lighten any tensions, and to hammer home his point in a way that disarms the recipient. Perhaps something about how he was mostly “Joshing around,” once his teaching lesson had been administered. In normal circumstances, the recipient Josh would look at the lesson-giving Josh and flash that wry smile, the universal symbol of Josh’s learning an important lesson. The recipient Josh would vow to do better next time and the lesson-giving Josh would believe him. This has been the case of Josh’s for nearly six decades! 

Unfortunately, The Board of Josh’s has no confidence in your ability to learn from this experience and to become a better Josh. Don’t you remember that one Josh divided against the other Josh’s cannot stand? 

A fellow board member – who had grown so incensed at your actions – suggested we refer to you as Andrew McCarthy Hawley from now on. The majority of Josh’s believe this action would further soil the reputation of Josh’s all over the world, so we will not be mandating that particular name change. 

As we are a considerate group of individuals, we will allow you – despite the callous nature of your infractions – to select your own new name as punishment. It is not the nature of The Board of Josh’s to resort to name calling, and we will refrain from doing so here. 

May you one day strive to achieve the good will of a Josh, despite no longer carrying the moniker.


The Board of Josh’s 

1980s Movie Quotes that are Relevant During the 2020 Global Pandemic


“Roads?  Where we’re going, we don’t need – roads.”

     -Doc Brown (Back to the Future)


“I can’t breathe in this thing!”

     -Lord Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)


Continue reading “1980s Movie Quotes that are Relevant During the 2020 Global Pandemic”

Get Well Messages from the Solar System to Planet Earth as it Fights a Global Pandemic



You will get through this, Earth!  Even if it takes a full year to beat this virus, that’s only 88 days. – Mercury




We love you Planet Earth!  You got this!  Baby, you got this!  

Love, Your Venus…




Good luck, Planet Earth!  Don’t worry if you run out of water.  We ran out years ago and are mostly fine.

Cheers, Mars




Hey pal!  You will weather this storm.  Believe me.  I’ve been weathering one for 350 years.





Oh Earth!  If you need anything – a pep talk or a shipment of hand sanitizer – just give me a ring.  Love, Saturn




You can do this, Earth.  Uranus has always been behind you.  LOL.

Sincerely, Uranus




Dearest Earth, 

I know I’ve been rather distant in the past but when this is over, let’s hang out.





Hey Earth,

I know you only consider me a planet some of the time but I consider you a friend all of the time.

Warm Regards,



No Luck in the Pot Luck; Just Cat Hair

Fun-and-Festive-Holiday-Potluck-Dishes (1)

It’s that time of year again, when your colleagues expect you to join them in the conference room for the annual holiday potluck celebration.  It is baffling, and downright disturbing, how many people actually get excited about this annual event of involuntary socialization and white lies about the tastiness of the different foods you are being forced to eat. Continue reading “No Luck in the Pot Luck; Just Cat Hair”

An Open Letter to the Year 2119: So, Yeah, Climate Change is Probably Real and We Should’ve Tried to Prevent it

Old birds
Bird 1 (Pointing to the Sea): And over there used to be Florida                                          


Dear 2119,

If our calculations were correct, your weather is terrible right now. Some of us thought it might be, despite the barrage of Climate Change denial tweets from a certain American President. And while some of us are filled with regret over the plight we’ve left you, the individuals in positions of power felt it was best to let you handle it. After all, we live in a time where prevention is frivolous, unnecessary, and far less profitable than treatment. Google “Measles outbreak of 2019,” if you don’t believe us. Continue reading “An Open Letter to the Year 2119: So, Yeah, Climate Change is Probably Real and We Should’ve Tried to Prevent it”

An Open Letter from Florida

Headline: Florida Woman Shoots Boyfriend for Snoring too Loudly


Dear America,

You people really need to stop blaming me for everything.  If you spent every day surrounded by water on three sides and a combination of Alabama and Georgia on top of you, you’d be pretty messed up too.  Clearly, I’m a victim of my own geographical circumstances. Continue reading “An Open Letter from Florida”