Canine Crappings

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In here lies malice and intent

This one dog won’t stop pooping in my yard. I don’t know which dog, but some dog and I’m beginning to take it personally.

I can tell it’s the same dog because the consistency of the poop is exactly the same each time. The dog must be eating the same thing. I know this because it happens to me when I eat the same thing; usually the same frozen pizza. *TMI? I doubt the dog is eating the same frozen pizza, or any pizza for that matter. Regardless of what the dog is eating, I need to find the crapping canine and his ruthless owner.

Obviously it’s a dog that is on a routine. My investigative skills tell me that. And if the dog is on a routine, the owner must be too. I know it isn’t the dogs fault. I don’t expect the dog to have remorse or to consider the ramifications of not cleaning up after itself. The owner on the other hand, well, yeah, I do expect a human to have remorse and to consider the ramifications of not cleaning up after their dog. This is where my true disappointment lies. It’s possible I’m dealing with a psychopath here, someone incapable of feeling remorse.

I placed a flyer on the tree in front of my property, the same tree that is land mined with dog poop all around it. The sign reads, “Please clean up after your dog. If I find out who this is, there will be poop in your yard and I don’t own a dog.” I realize the tone of my note is dark and ominous but these are dark and ominous times. I’ve already ruined two of my favorite pairs of shoes and the financial hardships are quickly surpassing the emotional and psychological hardships already incurred by the pooping dog and his ruthless owner. Anyway, the sign hasn’t deterred the behavior.

I suppose I could set up twenty-four hour surveillance; maybe hire an undercover agent to hide in the bushes outside of my front yard. It’s a tad impractical, and probably expensive, but I’ve already spent more on shoe cleaning . The challenge is finding anyone willing to sit outside in the freezing cold, waiting for a dog to defecate on my lawn so they can snap a few photographs of the perpetrator. This would allow me to bring these criminals to justice. What’s the going rate for that sort of job?

The ironic thing is that I have dozens of squirrels all throughout my yard and I know they know which dog it is. Given their lack of ability to communicate in a form I understand, and their unwillingness to do so based on our tenuous past they aren’t a viable option in helping me solve the mystery.

The frustration and mistrust is palpable. Everywhere in my neighborhood I go, whether it’s the basketball court, or the ice cream shop, or a simple walk around the block, when I see a dog, I wonder if that’s the pooping perpetrator. Additionally, I wonder if they are looking at me with a gleam in their eye, knowing that I own the property they enjoy dropping deuces on. Do you know how difficult it is to look every dog in the eye, with a genuine sense of mistrust? My nights are sleepless and my days spent singularly focused on one mission.

Worst case scenario, I put my house on the market and move somewhere far away, without neighbors. That seems a tad drastic and would let the psychopath and his dog revel in victory. Besides, I do love my home. Maybe I should stick it out, persevere through this difficult chapter.

*Too Much Information (a term common in millennial conversations).

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