Lost in the Rectangle Purgatory

IMG_2477
Tools of my ire

Most men, myself included, hate shopping for clothes. To be honest, we would walk around naked if it weren’t for society’s stupid boundaries. Shopping for dress clothes ranks right up there with getting eaten by rats while being forced to watch a Sally Jessy Raphael marathon. Sorry, but there is a -4% chance I will ever get excited about spending an inordinate amount of time and money on clothes I only wear because I’m forced to do so. Continue reading “Lost in the Rectangle Purgatory”

Manless-ness

IMG_2068
New Pastimes

I may technically be a man, but I’ve had some shady dealings with some effeminate things lately.  Fir-scented candles being one.  Actually, it’s perfectly acceptable for a man to enjoy a fir-scented candle.  What isn’t acceptable is harassing the owner of the local boutique shop who gets them in every fall, by inundating her with daily emails asking if they’ve arrived.  Continue reading “Manless-ness”

No one is taking my kidney!

IMG_1271 (1)
I’d donate all my kidney’s to this cat

I wouldn’t donate one of my kidneys to just anyone. Don’t send me a friend request on Facebook, then start schmoozing with me for a few minutes about how we were friends in 9th grade English class, and then slip in a, “Hey, man, I need a kidney.” I didn’t have friends in 9th grade English class. Don’t tweet me a sob story or send me a sad Instagram photo of your dog. Besides, I don’t even like dogs. I didn’t help anyone move when I owned a pickup truck, and this is no different. Continue reading “No one is taking my kidney!”

A Letter to the Future Homeowner

Dear Homeowner
This is my house!

Dear Homeowner,

If you are reading this letter, it means that I’m dead and you are now residing in the home I once occupied. Please get off of your phone and read this.

Before I died, and well before I had become a bitter old man, I decided to sit down and pen a letter to the future homeowner, which I guess is you. Continue reading “A Letter to the Future Homeowner”

The Excessive Sweater

Angry at the Sun
The sun won’t leave me alone

The other day, an attractive lady approached me in front of my favorite coffee shop.  I had never seen her before, so the fact that she seemed to be making a beeline toward me was quite surprising.  Women simply don’t behave this way in my presence.

She stopped in front of me and said, “How did you get to be so hot?” Continue reading “The Excessive Sweater”