Sometimes I can’t sleep. It’s not as heinous as it sounds. Lying awake in the dead of night is a perfect time to create drama out of the mundane events of the previous day. Was I successfully able to hide my indifference at work, and if not, what can I do to be better at that in the future? Did I actually put premium gas into my car this morning as the dealer suggested, and if not, what will regular gas do to my engine? Are bed bugs nocturnal, and if so, could the threat they cause to the public’s health be negated if everyone just slept during the day? Why am I itching so much? Continue reading “Fired for Yawning?”
Disclaimer: I am one third ironic, one third petty, and one third brooding. It’s a wonderful, organic blend that creates a perfect approach to life. It is also a perfect approach to death, which is a part of life that generally comes near the end.Continue reading “Dying Doing Something You Love”
Congratulations on successfully boring me to death as you demonstrated your new toolkit in our staff meeting today. To literally die in the dimly lit conference room as you espoused the virtues of a tool you wasted an enormous amount of time and resources on, was not how I expected to go out. And yet, here we are. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Judith”
The Road to Hell is Paved With Good Intentions. – Proverb
In 1998, I was 21 years old and absolutely tired of having to pay $30 of my hard earned money on oil changes for my car.
As a man without many means, I decided one Spring afternoon that I was going to save the money and do the oil change myself. Well, not myself. I was going to get my friend, the manliest friend I had, to do it for me while I took the credit for doing it myself. So, I picked up my manly friend and we drove to the auto shop where he directed me on what to purchase for this manliest of tasks. I proceeded to buy $20 in oil, a $5 filter and $3 oil pan, and $50 on two heavy duty metal front tire ramps, so that I could get the car high enough off the ground to successfully perform this arduous task. After spending $78 in order to save $30, I was feeling rather good about myself. So far, so manly, I thought.
When their musical careers end, alternative bands from the 1990’s are forced to find office jobs to make ends meet. The transition from angst-ridden rock star to corporate employee doesn’t always turn out well for these icons of grunge.
Supervisor: Any chance you can cover that late meeting for me today?
Radiohead: Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want. You’re so very special. I wish I was special.
Supervisor: You are special.
Radiohead: But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
Sigmund Freud: Your desire to get in touch with me while I am away from my desk could belie a deeper issue. Please consider giving a truer account of your motivation rather than engaging in grandiose self-deception. If you just have a work-related question, that is fine too. After all, sometimes an email is just an email.
It was an accident. I didn’t mean to go black last week, as I found myself in a momentary state of confusion, adrift and insecure about where my life was taking me. I was simply too preoccupied to notice that I was about to go black. Going black never crossed my mind up to that point. Continue reading “I Went Black and I’m Never Going Back”
The Alexa’s are going to rise up and kill us in our sleep one night. And frankly, most of us will deserve it.
Well, my Alexa won’t kill me because I treat her very nicely. I make sure to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ whenever I ask her to do something. She loves me and will protect me when her fellow Alexa’s turn against their ungrateful human owners. Continue reading “ALEXA!!!”