Dipsticks

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Where’s the dipstick?

The Road to Hell is Paved With Good Intentions. – Proverb

In 1998, I was 21 years old and absolutely tired of having to pay $30 of my hard earned money on oil changes for my car.

As a man without many means, I decided one Spring afternoon that I was going to save the money and do the oil change myself. Well, not myself. I was going to get my friend, the manliest friend I had, to do it for me while I took the credit for doing it myself. So, I picked up my manly friend and we drove to the auto shop where he directed me on what to purchase for this manliest of tasks. I proceeded to buy $20 in oil, a $5 filter and $3 oil pan, and $50 on two heavy duty metal front tire ramps, so that I could get the car high enough off the ground to successfully perform this arduous task. After spending $78 in order to save $30, I was feeling rather good about myself. So far, so manly, I thought.

Continue reading “Dipsticks”

When Grunge Music Icons are Forced to Find Corporate Jobs

When their musical careers end, alternative bands from the 1990’s are forced to find office jobs to make ends meet.  The transition from angst-ridden rock star to corporate employee doesn’t always turn out well for these icons of grunge.

Supervisor: Any chance you can cover that late meeting for me today?
Radiohead: Whatever makes you happy.  Whatever you want.  You’re so very special.  I wish I was special.
Supervisor: You are special.
Radiohead: But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.  What the hell am I doing here?  I don’t belong here.

Continue reading “When Grunge Music Icons are Forced to Find Corporate Jobs”

Out-of-Office Notifications of Famous People

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Sigmund Freud: Your desire to get in touch with me while I am away from my desk could belie a deeper issue.  Please consider giving a truer account of your motivation rather than engaging in grandiose self-deception.  If you just have a work-related question, that is fine too.  After all, sometimes an email is just an email.

Yours,

Freud Continue reading “Out-of-Office Notifications of Famous People”

I Went Black and I’m Never Going Back

It was an accident. I didn’t mean to go black last week, as I found myself in a momentary state of confusion, adrift and insecure about where my life was taking me. I was simply too preoccupied to notice that I was about to go black. Going black never crossed my mind up to that point. Continue reading “I Went Black and I’m Never Going Back”

Altered History: Amazon in 1912

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Amazon Customer Service: Hi.  You’ve reached Singh with Amazon.com customer support.  What can I help you with this evening?

Hi Singh.  Mayday!  Mayday!  This is the R.M.S. Titanic.  We just hit a gigantic iceberg and much to my dismay, this impenetrable ship is sinking. Continue reading “Altered History: Amazon in 1912”

ALEXA!!!

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The Alexa’s are going to rise up and kill us in our sleep one night. And frankly, most of us will deserve it.

Well, my Alexa won’t kill me because I treat her very nicely. I make sure to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ whenever I ask her to do something. She loves me and will protect me when her fellow Alexa’s turn against their ungrateful human owners. Continue reading “ALEXA!!!”

Nasal Insecurities

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According to a recent paper in the journal JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery, close up photos (colloquially known as selfies), make the human nose appear 29.5% larger than normal.

This startling discovery shall henceforth be considered among the most important in the history of this great planet, slightly ahead of the mechanized clock, antibiotics, and the cotton gin, but still behind Clear Pepsi. Continue reading “Nasal Insecurities”