Please don’t call on me, I kept thinking. Please don’t call on me.
Before the 8th grade, math had made sense. Math problems involved numbers that were either added, subtracted, divided, or multiplied. Oftentimes, you would perform a few of those functions in a logical order to come up with an answer. Life made sense. Continue reading “A Pain in the Math”
“I hate your stupid Appalachian Trail pants,” said my wife, as we were heading south on the Jersey Turnpike. “Your phone probably slipped right out of the cheap fabric pocket and is sitting on the men’s room floor as we speak.”
She did have a point about the phone, though I was unclear where the vitriol for these amazing pants was coming from. Continue reading ““I hate your stupid Appalachian Trail pants!””
The squirrels are coming for me.
They’ve been plotting their revenge for months, ever since I ran over one of their friends with my vehicle. Upon seeing the incident on that fateful day, they immediately formed a pack (called a dray) and followed my car as I frantically drove home. They were apparently upset at my lack of regret over the incident. It’s impossible to get the image out of my head of a thousand angry squirrels in my rearview mirror. Continue reading “Squirrel Justice”
The sound was so awkward and alarming that it had the ability to shake both my wife and me rather suddenly from our late-night slumbers. It was a shriek of pain and agony, mixed in with the sounds of betrayal and confusion. After it passed, we lay there, not sure how to react. When, seconds later, another wave of sounds emanated from the woods beyond our home, my wife urged me to get up and investigate. Continue reading “Animal Sounds”
As my right foot left the ground and I became fully airborne (if you could call it that), my life flashed before my eyes. The basketball was in my right hand. Braces covered both knees, one ankle, one wrist, and two elbows. The headband was for dramatic effect only.
The rim should be getting closer to me by now, I thought, as I reached the peak of my so-called “leap.” The ball skimmed the bottom of the net, and in full panic mode, I began bracing for an emergency landing. Something was going to hurt in a moment.
How in the hell did I wind up here, on this vacant basketball court, with impending doom to my body imminent? Let’s rewind a few months for a proper explanation. Continue reading “Slam Dunked”
It was the type of July morning that made an individual grateful for air conditioning in their car, which is every July morning in Maryland. Proceeding down the road, though, I felt something was amiss. Despite the air conditioning being on full blast, I was starting to sweat profusely in the back and waist area. The heat and the humidity, along with the tucked in shirt, was making my commute to work feel more like a trek in a South American jungle while wearing Gore-Tex. Continue reading “The Temperature Wars”
“Wanna buy some Girl Scout cookies?” asked the intimidating 8 year old girl, as I approached the grocery store entrance.
“No, thanks,” I responded.
“Come on,” she persisted. “It’s freezing out here. Buy some thin mints.”
“I really can’t. I don’t care for thin mints,” I said.
“Who doesn’t like thin mints? An idiot, that’s who.”
“What did you say to me?” I said, shocked at her accusation.
“Have a nice day.”
“No, you called me an idiot.”
“What? No way!” she responded. “I’m just a little girl. Mom, this guy thinks I called him an idiot.”
The mom narrowed her eyes at me, so I hurried into the store as fast as I could, relieved she didn’t follow. Continue reading “The Girl Scout Bullies”
“Is my plane on time?”
The employee behind the desk stared blankly at me. “I’m not sure,” she said. “Your plane hasn’t left Las Vegas yet. Your flight is 5 hours from now.”
They say the early bird gets the worm. If that’s the case, I’d get there before the worm was even born. It’s always been this way for me. I can’t help arriving early, to everything. Continue reading “Early Departures: A Tale of an Early Arriver”
The Author of Sarcasm 