The sound was so awkward and alarming that it had the ability to shake both my wife and me rather suddenly from our late-night slumbers. It was a shriek of pain and agony, mixed in with the sounds of betrayal and confusion. After it passed, we lay there, not sure how to react. When, seconds later, another wave of sounds emanated from the woods beyond our home, my wife urged me to get up and investigate. Continue reading “Animal Sounds”
As my right foot left the ground and I became fully airborne (if you could call it that), my life flashed before my eyes. The basketball was in my right hand. Braces covered both knees, one ankle, one wrist, and two elbows. The headband was for dramatic effect only.
The rim should be getting closer to me by now, I thought, as I reached the peak of my so-called “leap.” The ball skimmed the bottom of the net, and in full panic mode, I began bracing for an emergency landing. Something was going to hurt in a moment.
How in the hell did I wind up here, on this vacant basketball court, with impending doom to my body imminent? Let’s rewind a few months for a proper explanation. Continue reading “Slam Dunked”
It was the type of July morning that made an individual grateful for air conditioning in their car, which is every July morning in Maryland. Proceeding down the road, though, I felt something was amiss. Despite the air conditioning being on full blast, I was starting to sweat profusely in the back and waist area. The heat and the humidity, along with the tucked in shirt, was making my commute to work feel more like a trek in a South American jungle while wearing Gore-Tex. Continue reading “The Temperature Wars”
I was in the middle of eating a gigantic karma sandwich, and I knew it. As I stood in the vast parking lot of cars, SUVs, and minivans, all sharing various shades of gray and black, I knew I was in trouble. Weeks of making fun of people who couldn’t find their own cars was coming back to haunt me – in a big way.
A few weeks ago, in my office building, I had stumbled upon a 4th floor perch that overlooked the parking lot below. What had caught my eye that afternoon was a briefcase-carrying man walking up and down the rows of the lot, with his arm raised, frantically clicking the “unlock” button on his car alarm. It was a desperate attempt at finding his vehicle. Continue reading “Parking Lot Karma”
“Would you like a prostate exam?” asked my physician, as we were wrapping up my physical.
I asked her how many people say yes to that question.
“More than you’d think,” she responded.
That was a weird thing to say.
“I suppose I should,” I answered. Continue reading “Peach Picking: One Man’s Harrowing Rectal Exam Experience”
“Your biceps are enormous, Josh,” said a colleague the other day. “Have you been working out?”
“No,” I said. “You have small eyes, and I’m wearing my nine-year-old son’s shirt.”
He looked at me with pause, wondering if he should take me seriously. It got me thinking about size and the perception of it. Continue reading “Size Kinda Matters: One Man’s Quest to Understand Large Hand Discrimination”
“I like that color,” said my wife, at the paint store. “Don’t you?”
“It’s brown,” I responded, rather indifferently.
“It’s more of a taupe, if you ask me.”
“Isn’t taupe really just brown?” I asked, puzzled.
“Why is it called a medicine ball?” I asked my personal trainer, as he was hurling one in my general direction.
“I’m not sure,” he responded disinterestedly.
“Medicine is supposed to make a person feel better. This isn’t.”
He laughed, but in that appeasing way that made me feel small, both in body and in mind. Continue reading “The Personal Complainer”
“Wanna buy some Girl Scout cookies?” asked the intimidating 8 year old girl, as I approached the grocery store entrance.
“No, thanks,” I responded.
“Come on,” she persisted. “It’s freezing out here. Buy some thin mints.”
“I really can’t. I don’t care for thin mints,” I said.
“Who doesn’t like thin mints? An idiot, that’s who.”
“What did you say to me?” I said, shocked at her accusation.
“Have a nice day.”
“No, you called me an idiot.”
“What? No way!” she responded. “I’m just a little girl. Mom, this guy thinks I called him an idiot.”
The mom narrowed her eyes at me, so I hurried into the store as fast as I could, relieved she didn’t follow. Continue reading “The Girl Scout Bullies”
“Hi, I’m looking for loose fitting jeans,” I mentioned to the store employee at The Gap. “Where are those located?”
“1996,” he responded.
I could appreciate the sarcasm in his voice but not the fact that he was also telling the truth.
It’s been several years since I’ve been able to walk into a mall store, find a pair of comfortably fitting jeans (the kind that don’t cut off blood flow to the lower legs), pay an exorbitant price (okay, that part can still happen), and leave feeling satisfied. Continue reading “Diminishing the Jean Pool”