Please don’t call on me, I kept thinking. Please don’t call on me.
Before the 8th grade, math had made sense. Math problems involved numbers that were either added, subtracted, divided, or multiplied. Oftentimes, you would perform a few of those functions in a logical order to come up with an answer. Life made sense. Continue reading “A Pain in the Math”
“I hate your stupid Appalachian Trail pants,” said my wife, as we were heading south on the Jersey Turnpike. “Your phone probably slipped right out of the cheap fabric pocket and is sitting on the men’s room floor as we speak.”
They’ve been plotting their revenge for months, ever since I ran over one of their friends with my vehicle. Upon seeing the incident on that fateful day, they immediately formed a pack (called a dray) and followed my car as I frantically drove home. They were apparently upset at my lack of regret over the incident. It’s impossible to get the image out of my head of a thousand angry squirrels in my rearview mirror. Continue reading “Squirrel Justice”
The sound was so awkward and alarming that it had the ability to shake both my wife and me rather suddenly from our late-night slumbers. It was a shriek of pain and agony, mixed in with the sounds of betrayal and confusion. After it passed, we lay there, not sure how to react. When, seconds later, another wave of sounds emanated from the woods beyond our home, my wife urged me to get up and investigate. Continue reading “Animal Sounds”
As my right foot left the ground and I became fully airborne (if you could call it that), my life flashed before my eyes. The basketball was in my right hand. Braces covered both knees, one ankle, one wrist, and two elbows. The headband was for dramatic effect only.
The rim should be getting closer to me by now, I thought, as I reached the peak of my so-called “leap.” The ball skimmed the bottom of the net, and in full panic mode, I began bracing for an emergency landing. Something was going to hurt in a moment.
How in the hell did I wind up here, on this vacant basketball court, with impending doom to my body imminent? Let’s rewind a few months for a proper explanation. Continue reading “Slam Dunked”
It was the type of July morning that made an individual grateful for air conditioning in their car, which is every July morning in Maryland. Proceeding down the road, though, I felt something was amiss. Despite the air conditioning being on full blast, I was starting to sweat profusely in the back and waist area. The heat and the humidity, along with the tucked in shirt, was making my commute to work feel more like a trek in a South American jungle while wearing Gore-Tex. Continue reading “The Temperature Wars”
I was in the middle of eating a gigantic karma sandwich, and I knew it. As I stood in the vast parking lot of cars, SUVs, and minivans, all sharing various shades of gray and black, I knew I was in trouble. Weeks of making fun of people who couldn’t find their own cars was coming back to haunt me – in a big way.
A few weeks ago, in my office building, I had stumbled upon a 4th floor perch that overlooked the parking lot below. What had caught my eye that afternoon was a briefcase-carrying man walking up and down the rows of the lot, with his arm raised, frantically clicking the “unlock” button on his car alarm. It was a desperate attempt at finding his vehicle. Continue reading “Parking Lot Karma”