Doctors Solve Logistical Puzzle Surrounding Cold Storage of COVID-19 Vaccine

CDC Headquarters (ATLANTA, GA) – Scientists and public health officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced Monday that they have solved the perplexing cold storage issue surrounding Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccination.

The answer may surprise you.

The Pfizer mRNA vaccine has an incredibly high success rate of 95% but needs to be stored at the extremely frigid temperature of -70 degrees Celsius in order to remain efficacious.  This cold storage requirement has perplexed the medical community for months.  Until now.

Scientists have discovered that the coldest temperature found on planet Earth are women’s feet in the wintertime, which is the same temperature needed to store the vaccine.  Furthermore, they have created a device that successfully converts the cold of the female foot into a suitable storage option for the vaccine.

It’s called the Cold Extractor 3,000, and can easily pull the cold temperatures from a woman’s foot in a matter of minutes, without also bringing over any potential odor that might make vaccination rates plummet even further than they currently stand.

Russian-born CDC scientist and cold weather aficionado, Dr. Vladimir Kerpuken is a researcher who was part of the team involved in the groundbreaking discovery.  “Anyone knows how cold a female’s feet can get when the temperatures turn chilly,” he said.  “My wife’s feet once found their way to my side of the bed on a bitterly cold evening and I had to be treated for hypothermia.”

Dr. Kerpuken dedicated his life’s work to finding a way to use those cold temperatures for good.

Vaccine skeptic, John Windsor, indicated he’d be more open to the two-dose shot now.  “Honestly, I hate vaccines.  I used to think the 24 hours of minor side effects was riskier than acquiring the Coronavirus and dying from it,” he said.  “But since I have a foot fetish, I’m inclined to take the vaccine now.”

The process of extracting the cold air from the feet requires just a few moments and is completely non-invasive.  An adjustable vacuum-like rubber sheath is placed over the foot and the cold air is sucked through the tube into a storage refrigerator where the vaccine is stored.  The entire process takes about five minutes on each foot and is completely painless.  The only side effect is that 100% of women claim to have warmer feet.

The medical community is hailing this discovery as a groundbreaking find, and one that could have far reaching implications when the need for extreme cold temperatures arises again.

“This virus is a plague, and up to this point the vaccine distribution has been a logistical nightmare,” said Dr. Kerpuken.  “Now, we’ve been able to solve two of the most perplexing public health crises of our time.  One being this Coronavirus and the other being the frigidity of the female foot and the deleterious effects they cause to anyone who accidentally touches them.” 

2018-2019 Mid-Atlantic Winter Outlook for Cynical Snow Lovers who have been Slighted Too Many Times by the Empty Promises of Mother Nature

Looks beautiful, right?  Well, don’t get used to it.

It’s that time of year again in the District-Maryland-Virginia (DMV); when hope for a cold and snowy winter springs eternal!  After taking a look at a variety of meteorological factors, including the overall amount of fallen acorns in my backyard, how hairy the caterpillars have been this fall, and the arrival time of Starbucks holiday cups, it’s time to release my 2018-2019 Mid-Atlantic Winter Outlook for Cynical Snow Lovers who have been Slighted Too Many Times by the Empty Promises of Mother Nature.  If you think it was a mouthful to read, imagine having to type it. Continue reading “2018-2019 Mid-Atlantic Winter Outlook for Cynical Snow Lovers who have been Slighted Too Many Times by the Empty Promises of Mother Nature”

Religiously Void

The Tools of the Trade

“You’re too tall to be Jewish,” said a generically Jewish man to me once. I laughed, until I realized he was serious.

At 6’2”, I’m not even really that tall. Certainly, there are tall Jews out there; though, come to think of it, I’ve never really seen one. Bigfoot is tall, though I doubt he is Jewish, if he even exists. Continue reading “Religiously Void”

Tucked into Purgatory: Life in a Tucked in Shirt


Tucked in Terror

Every weekday morning, I think to myself, “Today will be the day I revolt.” Inevitably, however, my attempted coup is violently put down by society’s authoritarian rule. Even the thought of maintaining a shred of freedom and autonomy is wiped away. Once the polo shirt falls down over my shoulders, or the last button of my dress shirt is cinched, the final act of my appareled betrayal is complete. In short, I am tucked in to the expectations of society.

And just in case I get an idea to make one last stand, the belt arrives. The belt, once a beacon of seamless transition, is now revealed to be nothing but a brutal enforcer of rules, a true destroyer of individuality. Continue reading “Tucked into Purgatory: Life in a Tucked in Shirt”