2018-2019 Mid-Atlantic Winter Outlook for Cynical Snow Lovers who have been Slighted Too Many Times by the Empty Promises of Mother Nature

Looks beautiful, right?  Well, don’t get used to it.

It’s that time of year again in the District-Maryland-Virginia (DMV); when hope for a cold and snowy winter springs eternal!  After taking a look at a variety of meteorological factors, including the overall amount of fallen acorns in my backyard, how hairy the caterpillars have been this fall, and the arrival time of Starbucks holiday cups, it’s time to release my 2018-2019 Mid-Atlantic Winter Outlook for Cynical Snow Lovers who have been Slighted Too Many Times by the Empty Promises of Mother Nature.  If you think it was a mouthful to read, imagine having to type it.

Spoiler alert: If you like a snowy winter, sorry.  But hey, if you absolutely love being crushed by the disappointment of unfulfilled dreams, well then, read on!

Chances of accumulating snow: LOL.  That’s hilarious.  Oh sure, it might snow.  Maybe there will be a few of those mulch snows.  You know the ones I’m referring to.  The “storms” that produce rapidly accumulating snow on your garden mulch and on the  leaves you were too lazy to rake from your lawn, but that leave the pavement with that sullen gray pavement-like look?  If you’ve loved the years of unfulfilled snow fall, you’ll love this winter!

If you’re looking for a multiple blizzard season similar to the winter of 2009-2010, it’s a good idea to steal someone’s time machine.  If you are over eight years of age, that once-in-a-lifetime event already happened in your lifetime (sad face emoji).

Reasons for Cynicism: It’s the DMV.  There’s too much warm air aloft, hot air at the surface and years-worth of negative karma to contend with.  When you take all of that into consideration, sprinkle in a little global climate change and carefully stir in the infamous D.C. snow-hole, you get a typical winter in D.C.  And by typical I mean disappointing.

Reasons for Optimism: LOL.  You’re in the wrong winter outlook, bro.  Why do that to yourself?  Go piddle around in Accuweather’s winter outlook if you want high snow chances.  They are the Disney movie of winter outlooks.

Additional Reasons for Optimism: El Nino or La Nina.  I can’t remember which one has the potential to lead to a snowy winter but if the right one does decide to help us out, then there’s a chance.  Also, I’m sort of on a self-imposed deadline and it’s troubling to interrupt the creative process to research facts.   Reminder to self: Look up definitions of El Nino and La Nina, preferably during that weird week in early January when it’ll be 70 degrees.

Technical Discussion: Technically, I am incapable of providing any feedback to this portion of the outlook.  Capital Weather Gang, you want to take a shot at this?  Maybe incorporate a pretty graphic with cool colors and years-worth of metadata.  Something to really impress us.  Go big or go home, right?  Reminder to self: Look up definition of “metadata.”

Final Prediction: The times when there are copious amounts of precipitation in the area this winter, it will be too warm to snow.  When it’s so cold you won’t be able to feel your face, the precipitation won’t want to come here.  You’ll be left at the proverbial altar yet again, as you begrudgingly tuck in your work shirts and head off to the realities of a life lived in the mid-Atlantic region.

Special Note: There is a 22% chance of a March pity snow.  It will blanket the area with snow in mid-March but five minutes after it stops, everything will melt because of the increasing sun angle and our sarcastic response on social media to the whole event.  Mother Nature will accuse us of never being able to live in the moment and we’ll accuse her of being ironic.

Bottom Line: Sure, all the educated meteorologists are predicting above average snowfall.  They are intelligent human beings, but they are driven by ratings and haven’t been beaten down by the realities of living here for a whopping four decades.  Do your homework kids, and as we say about our local football team, there’s always next year.

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