An Open Letter to Soccer


Dear Soccer,

My Bolivian friend, Hector, just informed me that the American team didn’t qualify to play in your stupid World Cup tournament this year. Huh?! Have you been drinking the Cuervo, Soccer? After publicly berating Hector with a variety of curse words in two different languages, I decided to Google his audacious claim. Much to my chagrin, Hector’s right. Thanks to you (and not my inappropriate overreaction), a friendship has been lost. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Soccer”

An Open Letter to Millennial Males

“Loose Fitting” Pants

Dear Millennial Males,

Who in the hell do you think you are, flooding the fashion world with your narrow-framed bodies and your narrow-framed minds, making it impossible for generations of other males to find clothes that fit. Your propensity to seek out only the tightest fitting clothes possible, has marginalized the older generations, whose deft metabolism and toned frames are a thing of the past. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Millennial Males”

The Unredacted Tweets of Bridget Bishop

Bridget Bishop was the first individual to be found guilty of practicing witchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts, in 1692.  On June 10th of that year, she was hanged.  Her tweets leading up to her untimely death were redacted as part of national security.  326 years later, the House Intelligence Committee has released the original, and un-redacted tweets.

As evidenced in her January 4th, 1692 tweet, the year started out alright for Mrs. Bishop, relatively speaking.

Tweet 1

But on January 11th, 1692, things in the town of Salem started getting a little crazy when a couple of young ladies began having idiopathic fits.

tweet 2

tweet 3

Later that evening, things got even crazier.


On February 14th, 1692, the Parris family slave was arrested and accused of practicing witchcraft.


But on February 21st, 1692, Mrs. Bishop random tweeted about the weather.


And on February 25th, 1692, with Tituba turning states witness, Mrs. Bishop escalated the rhetoric and blamed the liberal media.


March 6th, 1692, Mrs. Bishop came to the defense of Cotton Mather, a respected Minister who sort of believed in witchcraft.


On April 18th, 1692, Bridget Bishop was arrested on charges of practicing witchcraft.  She went into a tweet storm.





On May 23rd, 1692, Mrs. Bishop sends a random anger tweet directed at Dr. Grigg’s.


Later that month, Mrs. Bishop unleashed her best nickname on the newly appointed Governor.



On May 30th, 1692, Mrs. Bishop praised her son for being transparent.


Later that day, Mrs. Bishop had an opportunity to appear contrite.  She did not take it.


On June 2nd, 1692, after being found guilty of witchcraft, Mrs. Bishop verbally accosted the “Idiot” Judges and criticized the court system.



In her last tweet on June 10th, 1692, Mrs. Bishop makes an astute point on the entire ordeal.



The Betrayal of Mr. Belvedere

mr-belvedere-tv-9984 (1)

Mr. Belvedere was not the kind and warm individual that he appeared to be on television. You may remember the Owens’ butler as a kind and gregarious fellow; a man of impeccable British honor, helping a suburban Pittsburgh family navigate the rigors of 1980s life. But beneath that mustache there lay a darkness. Continue reading “The Betrayal of Mr. Belvedere”

The Time Guesser

A Perfect Science

We started playing the game years ago, in an attempt to break up the monotony of long drives. When you have kids in the back seat asking “are we there yet?” four hundred times, you get desperate. So, as we approach the final destination, we all throw out the minute we think the car will pull into the driveway. Rules state, unequivocally, that it can’t be when we see the final destination. We have to have arrived, car turned off. Not to brag, but I am a bit of a genius when it comes to correctly predicting the exact arrival time. Continue reading “The Time Guesser”

Religiously Void

The Tools of the Trade

“You’re too tall to be Jewish,” said a generically Jewish man to me once. I laughed, until I realized he was serious.

At 6’2”, I’m not even really that tall. Certainly, there are tall Jews out there; though, come to think of it, I’ve never really seen one. Bigfoot is tall, though I doubt he is Jewish, if he even exists. Continue reading “Religiously Void”