37 condoms for one person should be enough to last, in most cases, 14 lifetimes. 37 condoms per Olympic athlete? That might be cutting it close.
Let’s face it, Olympians are good at everything. With nearly 3,000 athletes from over 90 countries competing in the Olympics in South Korea this winter, 37 condoms were distributed per athlete. That amounts to 111,000 rubbers. Hevea Brasiliensis (colloquially known as the rubber tree) has been putting in a lot of work lately to make the Olympic dreams of athletes come true. And I’m not talking about medaling, unless there is sexual innuendo in there somewhere.
For these sporty folks, 37 condoms present an amazing opportunity to engage in two weeks of sex with a plethora of people, all living under various forms of government. Talk about a bucket list item! And while having sex with communists, totalitarians, and socialists can be exhilarating, it can also be fraught with peril. A simple understanding about navigating sexual encounters under these forms of government is vital to preventing a plethora of important problems from arising (no pun intended). Problems such as premature ejaculation, nuclear proliferation, and the creation of unnecessary military parades.
To achieve full sexual potential under each regime, it is important to first understand what each government represents. Only then can these Olympians go for gold.
Let’s start with an easy one (no pun intended).
Democracy is a system of government “by the people.” Benjamin Franklin! Democratic governments are based on the freedom to choose, and (typically) free and unbiased elections. While this form of government can be easily corrupted by rich, crooked snake oil salesmen and vodka, most of the time democracies are decent (see: United States of America, 1787 – 2016).
Countries with Democratic Governments: The United States of America (sort of), Finland, Mauritius (yes, it’s a real place), Norway
Sex and Democracy: Having sex with a democratic paramour has incredible potential as they are often amenable to anything, provided “anything” has been voted on by all sexual parties involved. “Oh God” can be uttered without fear of persecution. You can even yell out your own name while having sex under a democracy. Your lover may not be too keen on your self-confidence, but at least you won’t be jailed for it.
Medal Potential: Gold
Under a totalitarian regime, the government holds absolute control over all aspects of its people. It involves a set of beliefs that has been forcefully imposed upon the people (or subjects), who either conform (good idea), or rebel and face the consequences (bad idea). In layman’s terms, a totalitarian regime is “freaking scary.”
Countries with Totalitarian Regimes: Iraq, North Korea, Praxis (the Klingon home world)
Sex and Totalitarianism: Sexual encounters with people under a totalitarian regime have loads (no pun intended) of potential. They are also fraught with peril. If your sexual liaison is a tad rebellious towards their own form of government, get ready to have the best four minutes of your life. Screaming “Oh God” is only acceptable if your totalitarian sexual partner has been told that God is real. If they have been told that there is no God, good luck spending the rest of your life in prison, or worse.
Medal Potential: Bronze
Economic system in which there is little or no private ownership. All economic activity is controlled by the government.
Countries with Communist Governments: Laos, Cuba, Vietnam
Sex and Communism: Meh. Most popular sexual positions are restricted under communist rule. Please refer to the ‘Communist Sexual Position” handbook for approved positions (hint: missionary or bust). Free will is relatively overrated in any event. Oh, unless your paramour’s name is God, don’t scream “Oh God.” Trust me. Politburo’s hate that sort of thing.
Medal Potential: Podium placement impossible
One person has absolute power. Differs from a totalitarian regime in that it is less controlling and not marked by a rigid set of beliefs. Still, it’s crappy not having a say in your own life.
Countries Under Dictatorships: Uzbekistan, Zimbabwe and Alabama (had Roy Moore won)
Sex and Dictatorships: Despite the innuendo already in the word “dictator,” this can be a terribly disappointing experience.
Medal Potential: Podium placement impossible
A form of government in which, ideally, there is an equitable distribution of goods of property. Generally, socialistic governments are just dictatorships dressed up in equality.
Countries with Socialist Governments: Canada, Ireland, Sweden, USA under Obama (according to Fox News)
Sex and Socialism: This one’s hard (no pun intended). It’s all about equality—and while that goal is noble, sexual encounters aren’t always 50/50, despite your best intentions to hold out long enough (no pun intended) to make it a reality.
Medal Potential: Silver
A form of government led by an individual who holds the position for life, usually inherited and passed on to a son or a daughter. In the past, monarchs held great power, but now they act as a head of state, in a more ceremonial role.
Countries with Monarchical Governments: Australia, Belize, New Zealand
Sex and Monarchies: This is a mixed bag. Sexual encounters with people whose government can “hold the position for life” sounds like a spectacular thing. The problem is, these folks expect you to hold the position for life. That’s a lot of pressure, and the only outcome to trysts of this kind is disappointment. Olympic athlete or not, no one has that sort of endurance. If you insist on having sex with someone under a monarchical government, it is imperative to find one who doesn’t expect a lot.
Medal Potential: Gold, Silver
I strongly recommended not engaging in sexual activities with individuals from countries where there is no functional government in place. It’s just too chaotic and confusing.
So, to the Olympians in South Korea, I say this: use those 37 condoms wisely, and when in doubt, go democracy!
This piece originally ran here: http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/an-olympians-guide-to-having-sex-with-athletes-living-under-various-forms-of-government.