Self-Awareness

But enough of me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think of me? – Ed Koch

Inspired by Ben Lecomte, who is hoping to become the first person to swim across the Pacific Ocean, I’ve decided to attempt something far more dangerous, and, if successful, far more impressive.

This December, at the peak of rainy season, I plan to swim the entire 4,345-mile length of the Amazon river. That’s not all. When the swim is completed, I will turn around and swim the other way.

To up the stakes, my swim will be done naked and without the assistance of a helper boat monitoring my progress. Additionally, a piranha-attracting scent will be applied to my testicles. No amount of flash flooding, dangerous water snakes, or angry natives with poison dart guns will deter me.

This perilous activity is designed to bring awareness to a very important societal issue: Me.

As someone fully aware of my own importance, it’s vital that you become aware of it too.

All of you are strongly encouraged to flood my social media accounts with comments of praise so that I may ascend toward even greater heights of self-involvement.

The value of a man’s ego is a more important measurement to his lifetime success than how many times his gonads are chomped on by angry piranhas. That is the sacrifice I am making to show all of you just how important I should be in your lives.

For fan engagement, I have added a voting button on my twitter account, seeking input on which swim style I should utilize for this very important awareness-bringing activity. The options are backstroke, butterfly stroke, or doggy paddle.

For those of you interested in donating to this very important cause, that is obviously cool and will be graciously accepted. And while I won’t be able to promote your generosity, as that would detract from the focus on me, it’s very kind of you to put others first.

Fame is not what I seek, though if it arrives, I will not shun it. What I seek is a transcendental feeling of importance that only the most self-involved of our species can even dream of. For a measurable portion of our population, who can never achieve such self-involvement, your job is to feed the egos of the great individuals who can. That’s where I come in.

For Lecomte, swimming is a personal passion. It’s that type of shortsightedness that mires us in societal mediocrity.

Honestly, I don’t even like swimming. That is beside the point. With the support of all of you, and the desire not to have my testicles gnawed on by prehistoric water dinosaurs, this great challenge can be met with both motivation and an enormous will to be the center of attention.

Dangerous? Yes. However, the rewards (a life filled with praise by everyone), are greater than the risks (death).

Obviously, I’ll be live streaming the event on a variety of social media platforms. To the people uninterested in keeping track of my harrowing experiences, I have this to say: You are part of the problem.