An Open Letter to Soccer


Dear Soccer,

My Bolivian friend, Hector, just informed me that the American team didn’t qualify to play in your stupid World Cup tournament this year. Huh?! Have you been drinking the Cuervo, Soccer? After publicly berating Hector with a variety of curse words in two different languages, I decided to Google his audacious claim. Much to my chagrin, Hector’s right. Thanks to you (and not my inappropriate overreaction), a friendship has been lost.

The irrepressible United States of America would’ve crushed the competition in 2018 and brought home your ultimate prize, the World Cup. That one-testicle looking trophy, with it’s long, shiny shaft, was definitely coming home where it belongs!

How did this happen? How did the world’s greatest country not qualify to play in something called the World Cup? We are America. We are entitled to play in any worldwide competition we damn well please. That right was bestowed upon us when we kicked England’s ass back in the 1780’s. We are a country not to be trifled with and therefore should have a lifetime exemption into these frivolous world events.

Qualifying to play in this tournament is for inferior countries, anyway. Not the United States of Awesome Soccer! We are the home of the stars and stripes! Thomas Jefferson and Budweiser. Cut off jean shorts and blind patriotism.

Soccer, your shortsightedness is appalling. With you failing to give our great country automatic acceptance into your pathetic tournament, you have sealed your fate. In twenty years, the World Cup will be extinct, a result of your own lack of vision. Frankly, it’s a fate that will be well deserved. No one makes the United States of America qualify for anything.

We don’t want to participate in your stupidity anyway. Our superior athletes have better things to do than to run around a Russian field chasing a ridiculous ball while socialists and communists from other teams complain about fake shin injuries and the injustices of being outclassed by the stars and stripes. Besides, we throw and hit our balls in America.

You are a pathetic loser, Soccer. Americans, who aren’t united on anything these days, are now united on crushing you. That’s our GOOOOAAAAALLLL.



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