An Open Letter to Judith

Dear Judith,

Congratulations on successfully boring me to death as you demonstrated your new toolkit in our staff meeting today. To literally die in the dimly lit conference room as you espoused the virtues of a tool you wasted an enormous amount of time and resources on, was not how I expected to go out. And yet, here we are.

Before I complete the death process, however, I thought it would be beneficial to give you some pointers on how not to kill other colleagues should you find yourself in a similar position to do so.

Beneficial Tip #1: While boredom was my official cause of death, your repeated use of the words “Uhhh,” and “Hmmm,” when answering questions, accelerated the process and filled my last hour of life with a severe amount of consternation. Perhaps an expansion of your vocabulary, thereby leading you to the utilization of actual words, may prevent the careless deaths of thousands in the future.

Beneficial Tip #2: You kept referring to your presentation as a “Dog and Pony show,” and yet, there were no dogs or ponies present. Don’t offer promises you cannot keep, Judith. Instead of cuddly pets with fluffy tails and pleasant dispositions, we were presented with only sadness as you failed to get us excited over pointing out three-year old documents we never found helpful in 2015, let alone 2018.

Beneficial Tip #3: When driving to the point, don’t take the scenic route.

That reminds me, do you remember the Greek mythological tale of Sisyphus and how he was forced to push a large boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll backwards, for all of eternity? Can you believe that not even one time did he have the misfortune of finding himself stuck in its path as it journeyed backwards? Not once! I surmise, that at some point, Sisyphus must’ve begged the very God who placed him in that scenario, to please allow the boulder to finish the job.

Well, Judith, I was the modern-day Sisyphus, stuck in the middle of your eternal demonstration. Each time I thought we had successfully reached a conclusion, you had yet another widget to show us, and the metaphorical boulder retreated to the bottom yet again. Unlike Sisyphus, however, I was mercifully allowed to die 60 minutes into my own Greek tragedy.

Beneficial Tip #4: Fun fact; Fitbits actually can inform you of your pending death, albeit not by announcing it with cool little rocket ships and a congratulatory message of hope and encouragement. It merely demonstrates your rapidly decreasing heart rate as you sit helplessly by, listening to made up words, as the images of irrelevant documents flash by on the overhead projector above you. 56 bpm’s…42 bpm’s…21 bpm’s…darkness.

Judith, I hope my constructive criticism will assist you in not only preventing the premature deaths of our colleagues, but enhancing their lives as you point out your worthless toolkit.

My death wasn’t an unnecessary death if it saves the lives of others.

Eternally Yours,
Josh