*Rhymed to “Oh the Places You’ll Go,” Dr. Seuss


A sarcastic “congratulations.”
Today’s not the day,
That I’ll get the right mail,
As long as you have your say! 

Do you have rocks in your head?
Or feet in your shoes?
Why do you give me the mail
of any neighbor you choose?
A terrible mailman. What do you actually know?
YOU give me the mail of my cool neighbor Joe!

Do you look up and down streets? Look ’em over with care?
My address is on the portico.  Why won’t you choose to look there?
With your head full of rocks, and your shoes full of feet,
you’re too vapid to give me the mail that I seek.

You’ll probably find any mail
in my box to put down.
And later that day,
It’s Joe’s mail that I’ve found.

The address is on the envelope there!
Do you not look? You do not care?

In the ‘hood things can happen
and frequently do
with mailmen as vacuous
and moronic as you.

And when stupidity starts to happen,
you’ll worry. You’ll stew.
The scatterbrained mailman.
What’s wrong with you?


I walk over to Joe
“Do you have all my bills?
Our putz of a mailman
Lacks critical skills.”

You lag far behind, is it that hard to be,
A mailman that has the ability to see?
I’ve seen more brains in a ragged old kite.
And now I can’t pay my electric bill tonight.

I’m not sorry to say so
because sadly, it’s true
that halfwits
and knuckleheads
are mailmen like you

You get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your mail delivery skills.
Get left in a Lurch.

You come down from the lurch.
with an unpleasant clatter.
And my mail goes to Joe,
Is something the matter?

You’re in a lifelong delivery Slump,
Messing up mail all the time.
Where’s my L.L. Bean catalog?
I’m signing with Prime.

In this neighborhood all the addresses are marked.
You deliver in the daytime.  It’s not even dark!
When you show up to work, are you drunk on the gin?
Is my mailbox so scary you can’t put mail in?

And if you do put mail in, why can’t it be right…
Are you three-quarters asleep? Is your hat on too tight?
Do you go around the back and sneak in from behind?
It’s supposed to be simple, yet my mail I can’t find.

You get so confused
Like it’s some kind of race
But my street’s not that long; slow down your pace
Take your time.  I’ll give you the space
Your head is by far the most useless place

The Useless Place…

…for people totally useless.

For people who don’t know
Whether to come or whether to go
The mail is always a big no show
I’ve seen more brains in two flakes of snow
Just useless.

Useless today
Useless tomorrow
The Postmaster General’s
Hire of Sorrow
Useless are you?  Entirely yes!
I’m going brown.  Thanks UPS!
Too useless to even understand all my rants
A mailman filled only with Wont’s, Don’ts and Cant’s
Just useless.

That’s totally you!

Somehow you’ll never escape
I don’t mean to sound curt.
But when you deliver mail
It needs an amber alert.

Oh, my mail I won’t receive!
‘Cause the mailman I have tries to deceive.
There are bills to be paid. There are catalogs to peruse.
And the only ability you have is in the mail that you lose
Which makes you the losing-est loser of all.
Shame! You’ll be shameful as shameful can be,
Can you not check the address?  Why can’t you see?

I’m afraid that sometimes
you lose Joe’s mail too.
Mail you can’t deliver
’cause you’re dumber than poo.

Completely foolish!
Whether you know it or not.
Completely foolish is something
you’ve been quite a lot.

And when you’re a loon, there’s a very good chance
That mail could be delivered better by an army of ants.

On and on you will fail.
Fail near and fail far
and deny all your problems
whatever they are.

So be sure when you fail.
That you fail with great tact
and remember your failures
give us great heart attacks.

You’ll never, ever be dexterous and deft.
Your brain is so angry that it got up and left.

And will you fail to succeed?
Yes! You will indeed!
(152% percent guaranteed!)


be your name Vapid or Doltish or Bray
or Moron Ali Van Forgetful O’Shea
My mail is in stasis!
And it’s there to stay.
So, give me Joe’s mail.
When you pass by this way!

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