Are you sick of neighbors intruding on your idyllic backyard fall gatherings? Annoyed at these encroachers for coming over, uninvited, to critique your poor design choices and to pilfer your beer? Fear not, good citizens. New fall landscaping can help prevent these unwanted visitors from ruining your favorite season. No invading neighbors will intrude on your autumnal fire pits any longer!
*Authors Note: This piece is not in any way inspired by my actual neighbors.*
Myrodia Pissofficus – Its rear-end aromatic fragrance wafts it’s pungent stank in all directions, offending neighbors in an indiscriminate manner. A tan colored plant with a brown flower, it works best in the partial shade that you’ve thrown on unsuspecting neighbors for years. Plant in groups and down wind to avoid collateral damage. Caution: Over watering can make flowers appear loose and runny.
Toxicodendron Itchicans – A member of the poison ivy family, this green-leafed, oily plant, can wreak dermatological havoc on any neighbor who encounters it. The itchy rash takes hold before the neighbor can crack open their first stolen beer. They’ll be running away from your yard and towards the cortisone cream of their own medicine cabinet in no time. These plants prefer a sun/shade mix and can penetrate even the strongest of flannel and fleece outerwear. Plant in groups on the border of your property for maximum protection.
Sarkasmós angeliafóros – Greek for “The Sarcastic Messenger,” this indifferent orange/yellow flower resembles a seasonal fall mum. While it may look like a fall mum, it is genetically engineered to prevent neighborly intrusions through sarcastic and hurtful insults. The Sarcastic Messenger utilizes motion detection and includes several pre-recorded messages, easily capable of offending a variety of obnoxious neighbors. Simply select up to three offensive messages per neighbor and let your plants do the denigrating for you. These insulting messages come in a variety of celebrity voices including Bob Dylan, Fran Drescher and Gilbert Gottfried. Plant in direct sunlight and do not water.
Spica Thornicus – Latin for “Spiked Thorn,” this plant is not to be trifled with. From a distance, this 3-foot high lush green plant appears unassuming. As the neighbor gets closer, however, a voice activated thorn reaches out and contacts the skin, immediately infecting the victim with a sudden sense of societal awareness. This instantaneously converts the intrusive neighbor into a humble neighbor. Plant in partial shade which helps to hide the behavior altering thorn. Side effects of being “thorned” include rash at the injection site and a sudden desire for its victims to bring their own beer to your backyard gathering.
Gatecrasher Fly Trap – A large and durable plant, the Gatecrasher Fly Trap entices neighborly moochers with a hops and barley scented aroma that can be detected from many distances. As the mooching neighbor gets closer, thinking free beer is near, the Gatecrasher Fly Trap unleashes a plethora of tentacles that consume the unsuspecting individual within seconds, thereby wiping them from the face of the earth. Don’t worry. Your neighbors aren’t dead. *The Gatecrasher Fly Trap will release them once your backyard gathering is over. Purchasing the large version is recommended for extra storage of neighbors.
*Please note, the Gatecrasher Fly Trap is only to be used in extreme emergencies and after all other landscaping deterrents have been exhausted. Contrary to popular belief, the authorities do consider this “kidnapping.”
The Author of Sarcasm 