“Working on your Spanish homework,” I asked my 7th grade daughter the other day, as I looked down at the unfamiliar combination of letters on the paper. Continue reading “Carrying the One”
Carrying the One
Category: Sarcasm
The Gay Arsonist
Gay arsonists are the best arsonists. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Well, besides the arson part. That’s wrong. Continue reading “The Gay Arsonist”
The Sauna Effect
There are several misnomers and stereotypes about life in a fitness center sauna. It is my duty to dispel those rumors.
First and foremost, the sauna at my local gym is not overrun by former-KGB, towel-wearing, Russian oligarchs, with white chest hair and scary accents. In fact, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. These intimidating men are from Uzbekistan, and it’s best not to lavish them with praise of “Mother Russia.” They hate that. Continue reading “The Sauna Effect”
Lost in the Rectangle Purgatory
Most men, myself included, hate shopping for clothes. To be honest, we would walk around naked if it weren’t for society’s stupid boundaries. Shopping for dress clothes ranks right up there with getting eaten by rats while being forced to watch a Sally Jessy Raphael marathon. Sorry, but there is a -4% chance I will ever get excited about spending an inordinate amount of time and money on clothes I only wear because I’m forced to do so. Continue reading “Lost in the Rectangle Purgatory”
Stapled: Rantings of a Mid-level Career Employee
I called my stapler a “Jerk” yesterday, as I struggled to remove a rogue and bent staple from its tray. My co-workers looked on in utter shock as I began banging the top of it onto my desk and calling it colorful euphemisms. Continue reading “Stapled: Rantings of a Mid-level Career Employee”
Picking up the Pieces
My title of “Greatest Jigsaw Puzzle Solver in the World” is a lonely and burdensome moniker. The notoriety and adulation from my adoring public, while fulfilling, masks an internal struggle that I’ve been having with myself for decades. Continue reading “Picking up the Pieces”
The Time Guesser
We started playing the game years ago, in an attempt to break up the monotony of long drives. When you have kids in the back seat asking “are we there yet?” four hundred times, you get desperate. So, as we approach the final destination, we all throw out the minute we think the car will pull into the driveway. Rules state, unequivocally, that it can’t be when we see the final destination. We have to have arrived, car turned off. Not to brag, but I am a bit of a genius when it comes to correctly predicting the exact arrival time. Continue reading “The Time Guesser”
Sci-Fi Frustration
The ticket to the opening night of the latest “Star Wars” movie was free. Therefore, despite my preference for “Star Trek,” I decided to attend.
Let’s clear something up right now. Star Trek is the superior Sci-Fi franchise, unless you prefer shoot-em-up Sci-Fi to thought provoking, intellectual Sci-Fi. I enjoy Star Wars—don’t get me wrong. I just find Star Trek the more palatable of the two. Continue reading “Sci-Fi Frustration”
On a Quest to Find Old Age
What is old age?
An elderly man, sitting next to me in our primary care physician’s office a few months ago, had an interesting take on this topic, even though I didn’t ask him for his opinion. Continue reading “On a Quest to Find Old Age”
Warp Speed
Long before Geordi La Forge was the chief engineer of the Starship Enterprise in 2364, he was my roommate at Star Fleet Academy in the late 1980s. Some of you may be wondering why Geordi was in the academy in the late 1980s, yet found himself on Captain Picard’s ship some 376 years later (yes, I used a calculator). Continue reading “Warp Speed”
The Author of Sarcasm 