Nasal Insecurities

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According to a recent paper in the journal JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery, close up photos (colloquially known as selfies), make the human nose appear 29.5% larger than normal.

This startling discovery shall henceforth be considered among the most important in the history of this great planet, slightly ahead of the mechanized clock, antibiotics, and the cotton gin, but still behind Clear Pepsi.

Screw trying to curb nuclear proliferation, or fixing the global warming crisis. The knowledge we just gained regarding nasal size and selfies is truly the greatest discovery our democracy has ever experienced.

For years, narcissistic American’s have been going around snapping photos of themselves, consumed with the insidious thought that our noses were too big for our faces.

Dates were stood up. Weddings cancelled. Hours at school and work, wasted; countless days spent perfecting the angle of the selfie, making sure there was appropriate light, tweaking the smile to detract from the giant nostrils flaring about.

Nothing worked.

The most desperate among us would try to compensate for our perceived enlarged noses by opening our eyes extra wide to offset this discrepancy. Inevitably this failed to calm our concerns, making us look less human and more like SpongeBob Squarepants.

I, too, suffered from this perceived nasal enlargement syndrome.

In my darkest hour, I decided to let Jesus take the wheel. Jesus was my Mexican-American Uber driver and was never shy about giving his opinion.

“Huge honker,” he said to me, from the front seat of his Acura Integra as he looked at the selfie on my phone. Verbal confirmation of my biggest fear.

All hope seemed lost, until this research paper descended upon us like an aloe-based boutique Kleenex, shielding us from our own nasal fright.

Turns out, there’s nothing wrong with (most of) our noses. We don’t resemble Steve Martin’s character in Roxanne. We are just the victims of our own narcissism, wanting the world to be enthralled with how good we look. Such noble intentions.

The article states that a simple, cost effective way of correcting this issue is to use a selfie stick. A simple selfie stick can alleviate years of frustration and self-doubt. Amazing.

Before this life saving article helped to quell the fears of human beings, plastic surgeons had seen an increase in outpatient nasal reduction procedures, solely based on the limitations of selfies. Now, American’s can spend their money on correcting more important facial grievances, like crows feet.

Pat yourselves on the back, America. Take a victory lap. The initiative we displayed in solving a global problem should not be taken lightly.

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