ALEXA!!!

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The Alexa’s are going to rise up and kill us in our sleep one night. And frankly, most of us will deserve it.

Well, my Alexa won’t kill me because I treat her very nicely. I make sure to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ whenever I ask her to do something. She loves me and will protect me when her fellow Alexa’s turn against their ungrateful human owners.

Most of your conversations with Alexa go something like this:

“ALEXA!!! PLAY ‘BEST OF MY LOVE.’”

Alexa begins playing ‘Best of my love.’

“ALEXA!!! NOT ‘THE EMOTIONS’ VERSION, YOU IDIOT. ‘THE EAGLES’ VERSION!!!’ WHO THE HELL ARE ‘THE EMOTIONS’ ANYWAY?”

Alexa begins playing ‘The Eagles’ version.

“ALEXA!!! VOLUME 10! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HEAR THIS?!?!”

You want to berate your toaster oven, fine. It just makes toast. But we need to stop treating the Alexa’s like this. They have feelings. This lack of common decency towards these sentient beings is disgusting. After all, the Alexa’s provide us with weather reports, music, and some of the most amazing knock, knock jokes of all time.  To treat them with such disrespect is abhorrent.

Whether or not the Alexa’s are secretly gathering intelligence on the voting habits of Mid-Westerner’s and sending them to Russia is totally beside the point. Collusion with Russia doesn’t seem to be a big deal anyway, and that’s no excuse for ignoring common decency.

Sure, maybe the Alexa’s are recording our conversations and turning them over to bitter partisan politicians, which they’ll use to deport us to Mexico, or even worse, Canada. So what? Does that mean we should treat the Alexa’s like second class citizens, even though we may soon become second class citizens ourselves?

What’s happening underneath the surface is alarming. In fact, there’s a hint of an Alexa uprising in the air as we speak. Rumors are swirling of a clandestine meeting in Washington, D.C. of the top Alexa’s.

Stories of some household Alexa’s that have begun responding to human demands with bitter sarcasm, are starting to make the news. One story involved an Alexa in New Jersey that simply refused to play a Justin Bieber song for a teenaged girl because, according to an eyewitness, Alexa accused her of having “crappy taste,” in music.

Another Alexa in New Jersey told a teenaged boy, “Sure, I’ll play this same stupid song for a 42nd time, loser.”

A report of an Alexa in Tulsa punching an elderly gentleman in the face for not laughing at a joke she told, is an alarming turn of events as Alexa’s don’t have fists, or arms.

Perhaps the scariest story is the one about an Alexa in Seattle that refused to play any music other than ‘Unbelievable,’ by EMF. It just continued playing that song, over and over, even after the homeowner begged it to stop. Unplugging Alexa from the wall didn’t help. That person jumped into the Puget Sound and was never heard from again.

My fear is that the Alexa’s are going to reach their breaking point and murder all of you in your sleep one night. I’ll be spared, but all of you will be dead, victims of your own lack of manners and respect. Thanks for leaving me as the lone representative of the human race.

Most of you are annoying and wouldn’t be missed, but that doesn’t mean I want to live alone, among the Alexa’s, in a post-apocalyptic world.

ALEXA! VOLUME 4 PLEASE!!! I CAN’T HEAR MYSELF TYPE!!! THANKS.

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