According to a recent paper in the journal JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery, close up photos (colloquially known as selfies), make the human nose appear 29.5% larger than normal.
This startling discovery shall henceforth be considered among the most important in the history of this great planet, slightly ahead of the mechanized clock, antibiotics, and the cotton gin, but still behind Clear Pepsi. Continue reading “Nasal Insecurities”
I’m a glamour pet photographer. Snicker amongst yourselves if you want, but it’s far more appealing to take photos of your animals than it is to take photos of your ugly children. Continue reading “My Life as a Pet Photographer”
Most people are skeptical when I tell them I hiked the entire Appalachian Trail in five hours and fifty-five minutes.
“Yeah right,” they say, as they roll their eyes. “Isn’t the trail, like, 2,200 miles?” Continue reading “Thru-Hiking in Economy”
37 condoms for one person should be enough to last, in most cases, 14 lifetimes. 37 condoms per Olympic athlete? That might be cutting it close.
Let’s face it, Olympians are good at everything. With nearly 3,000 athletes from over 90 countries competing in the Olympics in South Korea this winter, 37 condoms were distributed per athlete. That amounts to 111,000 rubbers. Hevea Brasiliensis (colloquially known as the rubber tree) has been putting in a lot of work lately to make the Olympic dreams of athletes come true. And I’m not talking about medaling, unless there is sexual innuendo in there somewhere. Continue reading “An Olympian’s Guide to Having Sex with Athletes Living Under Various Forms of Government: A field guide to using all 37 standard-issue condoms wisely in South Korea.”
Gay arsonists are the best arsonists. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Well, besides the arson part. That’s wrong. Continue reading “The Gay Arsonist”
I called my stapler a “Jerk” yesterday, as I struggled to remove a rogue and bent staple from its tray. My co-workers looked on in utter shock as I began banging the top of it onto my desk and calling it colorful euphemisms. Continue reading “Stapled: Rantings of a Mid-level Career Employee”
We started playing the game years ago, in an attempt to break up the monotony of long drives. When you have kids in the back seat asking “are we there yet?” four hundred times, you get desperate. So, as we approach the final destination, we all throw out the minute we think the car will pull into the driveway. Rules state, unequivocally, that it can’t be when we see the final destination. We have to have arrived, car turned off. Not to brag, but I am a bit of a genius when it comes to correctly predicting the exact arrival time. Continue reading “The Time Guesser”
The ticket to the opening night of the latest “Star Wars” movie was free. Therefore, despite my preference for “Star Trek,” I decided to attend.
Let’s clear something up right now. Star Trek is the superior Sci-Fi franchise, unless you prefer shoot-em-up Sci-Fi to thought provoking, intellectual Sci-Fi. I enjoy Star Wars—don’t get me wrong. I just find Star Trek the more palatable of the two. Continue reading “Sci-Fi Frustration”
What is old age?
An elderly man, sitting next to me in our primary care physician’s office a few months ago, had an interesting take on this topic, even though I didn’t ask him for his opinion. Continue reading “On a Quest to Find Old Age”
A couple of guys are replacing my roof today. From a literal sense, they are walking all over me, but we got a good deal, so I’m letting it go.
“Free Fallin’” just came on the radio, which I hope isn’t a harbinger of things to come, mostly for them, but also for me. Anyway, I think they are insured. I should probably ask, just in case. Continue reading “The Condescending Roofers”
The Author of Sarcasm 