ALEXA!!!

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The Alexa’s are going to rise up and kill us in our sleep one night. And frankly, most of us will deserve it.

Well, my Alexa won’t kill me because I treat her very nicely. I make sure to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ whenever I ask her to do something. She loves me and will protect me when her fellow Alexa’s turn against their ungrateful human owners. Continue reading “ALEXA!!!”

Nasal Insecurities

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According to a recent paper in the journal JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery, close up photos (colloquially known as selfies), make the human nose appear 29.5% larger than normal.

This startling discovery shall henceforth be considered among the most important in the history of this great planet, slightly ahead of the mechanized clock, antibiotics, and the cotton gin, but still behind Clear Pepsi. Continue reading “Nasal Insecurities”

An Olympian’s Guide to Having Sex with Athletes Living Under Various Forms of Government: A field guide to using all 37 standard-issue condoms wisely in South Korea.

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37 condoms for one person should be enough to last, in most cases, 14 lifetimes. 37 condoms per Olympic athlete? That might be cutting it close.

Let’s face it, Olympians are good at everything. With nearly 3,000 athletes from over 90 countries competing in the Olympics in South Korea this winter, 37 condoms were distributed per athlete. That amounts to 111,000 rubbers. Hevea Brasiliensis (colloquially known as the rubber tree) has been putting in a lot of work lately to make the Olympic dreams of athletes come true. And I’m not talking about medaling, unless there is sexual innuendo in there somewhere. Continue reading “An Olympian’s Guide to Having Sex with Athletes Living Under Various Forms of Government: A field guide to using all 37 standard-issue condoms wisely in South Korea.”

Stapled: Rantings of a Mid-level Career Employee

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You had one job!

I called my stapler a “Jerk” yesterday, as I struggled to remove a rogue and bent staple from its tray. My co-workers looked on in utter shock as I began banging the top of it onto my desk and calling it colorful euphemisms. Continue reading “Stapled: Rantings of a Mid-level Career Employee”