It was an accident. I didn’t mean to go black last week, as I found myself in a momentary state of confusion, adrift and insecure about where my life was taking me. I was simply too preoccupied to notice that I was about to go black. Going black never crossed my mind up to that point. Continue reading “I Went Black and I’m Never Going Back”
Amazon Customer Service: Hi. You’ve reached Singh with Amazon.com customer support. What can I help you with this evening?
Hi Singh. Mayday! Mayday! This is the R.M.S. Titanic. We just hit a gigantic iceberg and much to my dismay, this impenetrable ship is sinking. Continue reading “Altered History: Amazon in 1912”
The Alexa’s are going to rise up and kill us in our sleep one night. And frankly, most of us will deserve it.
Well, my Alexa won’t kill me because I treat her very nicely. I make sure to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ whenever I ask her to do something. She loves me and will protect me when her fellow Alexa’s turn against their ungrateful human owners. Continue reading “ALEXA!!!”
According to a recent paper in the journal JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery, close up photos (colloquially known as selfies), make the human nose appear 29.5% larger than normal.
This startling discovery shall henceforth be considered among the most important in the history of this great planet, slightly ahead of the mechanized clock, antibiotics, and the cotton gin, but still behind Clear Pepsi. Continue reading “Nasal Insecurities”
I’m a glamour pet photographer. Snicker amongst yourselves if you want, but it’s far more appealing to take photos of your animals than it is to take photos of your ugly children. Continue reading “My Life as a Pet Photographer”
Most people are skeptical when I tell them I hiked the entire Appalachian Trail in five hours and fifty-five minutes.
“Yeah right,” they say, as they roll their eyes. “Isn’t the trail, like, 2,200 miles?” Continue reading “Thru-Hiking in Economy”
37 condoms for one person should be enough to last, in most cases, 14 lifetimes. 37 condoms per Olympic athlete? That might be cutting it close.
Let’s face it, Olympians are good at everything. With nearly 3,000 athletes from over 90 countries competing in the Olympics in South Korea this winter, 37 condoms were distributed per athlete. That amounts to 111,000 rubbers. Hevea Brasiliensis (colloquially known as the rubber tree) has been putting in a lot of work lately to make the Olympic dreams of athletes come true. And I’m not talking about medaling, unless there is sexual innuendo in there somewhere. Continue reading “An Olympian’s Guide to Having Sex with Athletes Living Under Various Forms of Government: A field guide to using all 37 standard-issue condoms wisely in South Korea.”