There are several misnomers and stereotypes about life in a fitness center sauna. It is my duty to dispel those rumors.
First and foremost, the sauna at my local gym is not overrun by former-KGB, towel-wearing, Russian oligarchs, with white chest hair and scary accents. In fact, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. These intimidating men are from Uzbekistan, and it’s best not to lavish them with praise of “Mother Russia.” They hate that. Continue reading “The Sauna Effect”
Most men, myself included, hate shopping for clothes. To be honest, we would walk around naked if it weren’t for society’s stupid boundaries. Shopping for dress clothes ranks right up there with getting eaten by rats while being forced to watch a Sally Jessy Raphael marathon. Sorry, but there is a -4% chance I will ever get excited about spending an inordinate amount of time and money on clothes I only wear because I’m forced to do so. Continue reading “Lost in the Rectangle Purgatory”
I called my stapler a “Jerk” yesterday, as I struggled to remove a rogue and bent staple from its tray. My co-workers looked on in utter shock as I began banging the top of it onto my desk and calling it colorful euphemisms. Continue reading “Stapled: Rantings of a Mid-level Career Employee”
My title of “Greatest Jigsaw Puzzle Solver in the World” is a lonely and burdensome moniker. The notoriety and adulation from my adoring public, while fulfilling, masks an internal struggle that I’ve been having with myself for decades. Continue reading “Picking up the Pieces”
We started playing the game years ago, in an attempt to break up the monotony of long drives. When you have kids in the back seat asking “are we there yet?” four hundred times, you get desperate. So, as we approach the final destination, we all throw out the minute we think the car will pull into the driveway. Rules state, unequivocally, that it can’t be when we see the final destination. We have to have arrived, car turned off. Not to brag, but I am a bit of a genius when it comes to correctly predicting the exact arrival time. Continue reading “The Time Guesser”
The ticket to the opening night of the latest “Star Wars” movie was free. Therefore, despite my preference for “Star Trek,” I decided to attend.
Let’s clear something up right now. Star Trek is the superior Sci-Fi franchise, unless you prefer shoot-em-up Sci-Fi to thought provoking, intellectual Sci-Fi. I enjoy Star Wars—don’t get me wrong. I just find Star Trek the more palatable of the two. Continue reading “Sci-Fi Frustration”
What is old age?
An elderly man, sitting next to me in our primary care physician’s office a few months ago, had an interesting take on this topic, even though I didn’t ask him for his opinion. Continue reading “On a Quest to Find Old Age”
Long before Geordi La Forge was the chief engineer of the Starship Enterprise in 2364, he was my roommate at Star Fleet Academy in the late 1980s. Some of you may be wondering why Geordi was in the academy in the late 1980s, yet found himself on Captain Picard’s ship some 376 years later (yes, I used a calculator). Continue reading “Warp Speed”
In the 1980s, when you got a letter indicating you’d won something, you didn’t ask questions. You pursued that to the end, and in most cases, to the bitter end. This was serious business. So, in 1986, when my parents received such a letter, it was time to pile into our station wagon and drive to a place called Front Royal, Virginia. Continue reading “Front Royal”
A couple of guys are replacing my roof today. From a literal sense, they are walking all over me, but we got a good deal, so I’m letting it go.
“Free Fallin’” just came on the radio, which I hope isn’t a harbinger of things to come, mostly for them, but also for me. Anyway, I think they are insured. I should probably ask, just in case. Continue reading “The Condescending Roofers”
The Author of Sarcasm 