An Open Letter to Judith

Dear Judith,

Congratulations on successfully boring me to death as you demonstrated your new toolkit in our staff meeting today. To literally die in the dimly lit conference room as you espoused the virtues of a tool you wasted an enormous amount of time and resources on, was not how I expected to go out. And yet, here we are. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Judith”

Vengeful Weather Pattern Wreaks Havoc on Angry Citizen

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Vengeful Clouds Coalescing over Rockville, MD.

Rockville, MD. – “Don’t upset Mother Nature,” is the warning Rockville resident Dan Ogletree is giving to anyone who will listen.

Ogletree, who lives with his wife and two children in the quiet suburb of Washington D.C. is urging everyone to use caution when mocking Mother Nature with relentless verbal diatribes and inappropriate hand gestures. Continue reading “Vengeful Weather Pattern Wreaks Havoc on Angry Citizen”

Dipsticks

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Where’s the dipstick?

The Road to Hell is Paved With Good Intentions. – Proverb

In 1998, I was 21 years old and absolutely tired of having to pay $30 of my hard earned money on oil changes for my car.

As a man without many means, I decided one Spring afternoon that I was going to save the money and do the oil change myself. Well, not myself. I was going to get my friend, the manliest friend I had, to do it for me while I took the credit for doing it myself. So, I picked up my manly friend and we drove to the auto shop where he directed me on what to purchase for this manliest of tasks. I proceeded to buy $20 in oil, a $5 filter and $3 oil pan, and $50 on two heavy duty metal front tire ramps, so that I could get the car high enough off the ground to successfully perform this arduous task. After spending $78 in order to save $30, I was feeling rather good about myself. So far, so manly, I thought.

Continue reading “Dipsticks”

Livin’ On a Prayer Doesn’t Work

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In 1986, Jon Bon Jovi and his band decided to turn Tommy, now 56, and Gina, now 54, into household names.  The major rock anthem about a down on their luck couple, was supposed to propel these two Jersey lovers into a lifetime of fame and glory. It didn’t go as planned.  Continue reading “Livin’ On a Prayer Doesn’t Work”

An Open Letter to Soccer

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Dear Soccer,

My Bolivian friend, Hector, just informed me that the American team didn’t qualify to play in your stupid World Cup tournament this year. Huh?! Have you been drinking the Cuervo, Soccer? After publicly berating Hector with a variety of curse words in two different languages, I decided to Google his audacious claim. Much to my chagrin, Hector’s right. Thanks to you (and not my inappropriate overreaction), a friendship has been lost. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Soccer”

An Open Letter to Millennial Males

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“Loose Fitting” Pants

Dear Millennial Males,

Who in the hell do you think you are, flooding the fashion world with your narrow-framed bodies and your narrow-framed minds, making it impossible for generations of other males to find clothes that fit. Your propensity to seek out only the tightest fitting clothes possible, has marginalized the older generations, whose deft metabolism and toned frames are a thing of the past. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Millennial Males”