But enough of me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think of me? – Ed Koch
Inspired by Ben Lecomte, who is hoping to become the first person to swim across the Pacific Ocean, I’ve decided to attempt something far more dangerous, and, if successful, far more impressive. Continue reading “Self-Awareness”
Dear Soccer,
My Bolivian friend, Hector, just informed me that the American team didn’t qualify to play in your stupid World Cup tournament this year. Huh?! Have you been drinking the Cuervo, Soccer? After publicly berating Hector with a variety of curse words in two different languages, I decided to Google his audacious claim. Much to my chagrin, Hector’s right. Thanks to you (and not my inappropriate overreaction), a friendship has been lost. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Soccer”
Dear Millennial Males,
Who in the hell do you think you are, flooding the fashion world with your narrow-framed bodies and your narrow-framed minds, making it impossible for generations of other males to find clothes that fit. Your propensity to seek out only the tightest fitting clothes possible, has marginalized the older generations, whose deft metabolism and toned frames are a thing of the past. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Millennial Males”
The desire to see Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers in concert last summer outweighed the urge to remain at home and not drive 45 minutes north to Baltimore, Maryland on a hot and steamy, Sunday afternoon.
Arriving at the arena with my wife and good friends, and meeting a couple of other friends shortly thereafter, we were underwhelmed by the venue. There were stairwells that led nowhere and for a moment we thought we were in an M.C. Escher painting. Continue reading “Jammin’ Me: My Adventures at a Tom Petty Concert”
“Tissues huh?” asked the grocery store cashier. “Allergies?”
“I think so,” I responded begrudgingly, annoyed at this blatant invasion of my privacy.
When their musical careers end, alternative bands from the 1990’s are forced to find office jobs to make ends meet. The transition from angst-ridden rock star to corporate employee doesn’t always turn out well for these icons of grunge.
Supervisor: Any chance you can cover that late meeting for me today?
Radiohead: Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want. You’re so very special. I wish I was special.
Supervisor: You are special.
Radiohead: But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
Continue reading “When Grunge Music Icons are Forced to Find Corporate Jobs”
*Originally Ran on website Points in Case here: http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/do-not-buy-a-star-for-your-wife-on-mothers-day
Don’t do it, guys. This Mother’s Day, don’t buy a star on Star Registry for your wife.
And if you do buy a star on Star Registry for your wife, don’t name it Cougar15. Continue reading “A Cautionary Tale on Purchasing a Star for Your Wife on Mother’s Day”
***
Sigmund Freud: Your desire to get in touch with me while I am away from my desk could belie a deeper issue. Please consider giving a truer account of your motivation rather than engaging in grandiose self-deception. If you just have a work-related question, that is fine too. After all, sometimes an email is just an email.
Yours,
Freud Continue reading “Out-of-Office Notifications of Famous People”
It was an accident. I didn’t mean to go black last week, as I found myself in a momentary state of confusion, adrift and insecure about where my life was taking me. I was simply too preoccupied to notice that I was about to go black. Going black never crossed my mind up to that point. Continue reading “I Went Black and I’m Never Going Back”
Bridget Bishop was the first individual to be found guilty of practicing witchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts, in 1692. On June 10th of that year, she was hanged. Her tweets leading up to her untimely death were redacted as part of national security. 326 years later, the House Intelligence Committee has released the original, and un-redacted tweets.
As evidenced in her January 4th, 1692 tweet, the year started out alright for Mrs. Bishop, relatively speaking.
But on January 11th, 1692, things in the town of Salem started getting a little crazy when a couple of young ladies began having idiopathic fits.
Later that evening, things got even crazier.
On February 14th, 1692, the Parris family slave was arrested and accused of practicing witchcraft.
But on February 21st, 1692, Mrs. Bishop random tweeted about the weather.
And on February 25th, 1692, with Tituba turning states witness, Mrs. Bishop escalated the rhetoric and blamed the liberal media.
March 6th, 1692, Mrs. Bishop came to the defense of Cotton Mather, a respected Minister who sort of believed in witchcraft.
On April 18th, 1692, Bridget Bishop was arrested on charges of practicing witchcraft. She went into a tweet storm.
On May 23rd, 1692, Mrs. Bishop sends a random anger tweet directed at Dr. Grigg’s.
Later that month, Mrs. Bishop unleashed her best nickname on the newly appointed Governor.
On May 30th, 1692, Mrs. Bishop praised her son for being transparent.
Later that day, Mrs. Bishop had an opportunity to appear contrite. She did not take it.
On June 2nd, 1692, after being found guilty of witchcraft, Mrs. Bishop verbally accosted the “Idiot” Judges and criticized the court system.
In her last tweet on June 10th, 1692, Mrs. Bishop makes an astute point on the entire ordeal.
The Author of Sarcasm 