According to a recent paper in the journal JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery, close up photos (colloquially known as selfies), make the human nose appear 29.5% larger than normal.
This startling discovery shall henceforth be considered among the most important in the history of this great planet, slightly ahead of the mechanized clock, antibiotics, and the cotton gin, but still behind Clear Pepsi. Continue reading “Nasal Insecurities”
I’m a glamour pet photographer. Snicker amongst yourselves if you want, but it’s far more appealing to take photos of your animals than it is to take photos of your ugly children. Continue reading “My Life as a Pet Photographer”
Dear Cloud Eight,
It’s not you, and don’t you dare go thinking for a second that it is! You aren’t the reason people ignore you to focus on that annoyingly hard to achieve Cloud right above you. There isn’t a more overrated Cloud out there than Nine. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Cloud Eight”
Most people are skeptical when I tell them I hiked the entire Appalachian Trail in five hours and fifty-five minutes.
“Yeah right,” they say, as they roll their eyes. “Isn’t the trail, like, 2,200 miles?” Continue reading “Thru-Hiking in Economy”
37 condoms for one person should be enough to last, in most cases, 14 lifetimes. 37 condoms per Olympic athlete? That might be cutting it close.
Let’s face it, Olympians are good at everything. With nearly 3,000 athletes from over 90 countries competing in the Olympics in South Korea this winter, 37 condoms were distributed per athlete. That amounts to 111,000 rubbers. Hevea Brasiliensis (colloquially known as the rubber tree) has been putting in a lot of work lately to make the Olympic dreams of athletes come true. And I’m not talking about medaling, unless there is sexual innuendo in there somewhere. Continue reading “An Olympian’s Guide to Having Sex with Athletes Living Under Various Forms of Government: A field guide to using all 37 standard-issue condoms wisely in South Korea.”
“Working on your Spanish homework,” I asked my 7th grade daughter the other day, as I looked down at the unfamiliar combination of letters on the paper. Continue reading “Carrying the One”
Gay arsonists are the best arsonists. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Well, besides the arson part. That’s wrong. Continue reading “The Gay Arsonist”
There are several misnomers and stereotypes about life in a fitness center sauna. It is my duty to dispel those rumors.
First and foremost, the sauna at my local gym is not overrun by former-KGB, towel-wearing, Russian oligarchs, with white chest hair and scary accents. In fact, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. These intimidating men are from Uzbekistan, and it’s best not to lavish them with praise of “Mother Russia.” They hate that. Continue reading “The Sauna Effect”
Most men, myself included, hate shopping for clothes. To be honest, we would walk around naked if it weren’t for society’s stupid boundaries. Shopping for dress clothes ranks right up there with getting eaten by rats while being forced to watch a Sally Jessy Raphael marathon. Sorry, but there is a -4% chance I will ever get excited about spending an inordinate amount of time and money on clothes I only wear because I’m forced to do so. Continue reading “Lost in the Rectangle Purgatory”
I called my stapler a “Jerk” yesterday, as I struggled to remove a rogue and bent staple from its tray. My co-workers looked on in utter shock as I began banging the top of it onto my desk and calling it colorful euphemisms. Continue reading “Stapled: Rantings of a Mid-level Career Employee”
The Author of Sarcasm 