Mosquitoes: A Field Guide to Understanding Mosquitoes on World Mosquito Day


Mosquitoes.  Rightly feared, yet generally misunderstood, these jerks have been wreaking havoc on human beings since the dawn of man.  Yet, a simple understanding of their intentions and desires, can make co-existing with them, a far more manageable experience. 

Mosquito Fun Facts:

There are over 3,500 known species of mosquitoes around the world.  In scientific terms, that’s a lot!  Unfortunately, there are many unknown species as well.  As our civilization continues to deforest their natural habitats and as both global temperatures and water levels continue to increase around the world, we will eventually be feasted upon by an even wider array of species over time.  How exciting?!

Mosquitoes have been around since the Jurassic period and have been mentioned by many reputable people throughout history, such as in the philosophical musings of Aristotle and in the thought-provoking lyrics of pop sensation, Shakira.

Mosquitoes are often responsible for some of the most severe diseases (Malaria, Zika, and Dengue Fever) impacting human beings.  Also, no other insect can ruin a backyard party quite like they can.

Only female mosquitoes take blood meals from human beings.  They do this simply to lay their eggs, not to bother human beings, which is obviously just an unintended consequence.

Depending on your perspective, male mosquitoes are either totally useless or sort of respected for their narrow mindedness.  A female mosquito can beat her wings up to 500 times per second and the male selects the female with the highest frequency of beats to mate with.  Mating is basically all the male mosquito intends to do with his life.

Mosquito is Spanish for “little fly.”  In places such as Africa and Australia, mosquitoes are referred to as “Mozzies.”  Uninformed backyard party-goers refer to mosquitoes as “little biting dimwits.”  As usual, uninformed backyard party-goers are wrong because…

…mosquitoes don’t actually bite.  They don’t have teeth.  No, their method of extracting a blood meal from an unsuspecting human is far more creative.  Female mosquitoes numb the area and inject a serrated proboscis into human flesh, thereby drawing blood through a tube, leaving their victims angry and itchy as they fly off to make babies.

Mosquito species have impressive scientific names like Aedes aegypti and Culex pipens.  When referring to the various species by their scientific names, please use the correct naming structure, including the use of italics and the capitalization of the first word.  Knowing this will allow you to impress uninformed backyard party-goers at your next gathering.

In the United States, West Virginia has the fewest species of mosquitoes; Texas and Florida the most.  This information will never be useful to you.

Removing standing water in your yard, or paving over all remaining greenery, can decrease their populations.

Mosquitoes prefer teleworking and don’t fly more than a few miles, at most, for blood meals.

Don’t sweat the small stuff!  Mosquitoes are attracted to octenol (a chemical found in human sweat).  In the hot summer, avoiding rigorous outdoor activities such as moving and breathing, will greatly decrease your chances of being victimized.

The best way to avoid being attacked by mosquitoes is to stay inside until the first freeze or wear an insect repellent containing DEET.  You’ll smell terrible but at least you won’t get Dengue Fever.

An Open Letter to Judith

Dear Judith,

Congratulations on successfully boring me to death as you demonstrated your new toolkit in our staff meeting today. To literally die in the dimly lit conference room as you espoused the virtues of a tool you wasted an enormous amount of time and resources on, was not how I expected to go out. And yet, here we are. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Judith”

Vengeful Weather Pattern Wreaks Havoc on Angry Citizen

Vengeful Clouds Coalescing over Rockville, MD.

Rockville, MD. – “Don’t upset Mother Nature,” is the warning Rockville resident Dan Ogletree is giving to anyone who will listen.

Ogletree, who lives with his wife and two children in the quiet suburb of Washington D.C. is urging everyone to use caution when mocking Mother Nature with relentless verbal diatribes and inappropriate hand gestures. Continue reading “Vengeful Weather Pattern Wreaks Havoc on Angry Citizen”


Where’s the dipstick?

The Road to Hell is Paved With Good Intentions. – Proverb

In 1998, I was 21 years old and absolutely tired of having to pay $30 of my hard earned money on oil changes for my car.

As a man without many means, I decided one Spring afternoon that I was going to save the money and do the oil change myself. Well, not myself. I was going to get my friend, the manliest friend I had, to do it for me while I took the credit for doing it myself. So, I picked up my manly friend and we drove to the auto shop where he directed me on what to purchase for this manliest of tasks. I proceeded to buy $20 in oil, a $5 filter and $3 oil pan, and $50 on two heavy duty metal front tire ramps, so that I could get the car high enough off the ground to successfully perform this arduous task. After spending $78 in order to save $30, I was feeling rather good about myself. So far, so manly, I thought.

Continue reading “Dipsticks”

Livin’ On a Prayer Doesn’t Work


In 1986, Jon Bon Jovi and his band decided to turn Tommy, now 56, and Gina, now 54, into household names.  The major rock anthem about a down on their luck couple, was supposed to propel these two Jersey lovers into a lifetime of fame and glory. It didn’t go as planned.  Continue reading “Livin’ On a Prayer Doesn’t Work”

An Open Letter to Soccer


Dear Soccer,

My Bolivian friend, Hector, just informed me that the American team didn’t qualify to play in your stupid World Cup tournament this year. Huh?! Have you been drinking the Cuervo, Soccer? After publicly berating Hector with a variety of curse words in two different languages, I decided to Google his audacious claim. Much to my chagrin, Hector’s right. Thanks to you (and not my inappropriate overreaction), a friendship has been lost. Continue reading “An Open Letter to Soccer”